A lot of us don't have time to keep up with the news. We work an exhausting job, children are climbing all over us, and politics are such a colossal bummer that we might skip over the Blunt Amendment article in favor of a picture of piglets nursing at the teet of a Tiger. I totally get it, and that picture is fantastic.
I've found that, as adults, a lot of our current events education goes on in bars. With our friends, drinks in hand, we're far more emotionally prepared to hear about the latest old man who told women to keep their legs together, or the most recent awkward Southern accent one of our presidential candidates actually did in front of actual people in the South.
Lately, though, I find myself saying things that seem a little too futuristic and terrifying to be true. Here's a list of things that I said last week that made me feel like I had entered a real-life version of the Handmaid's Tale. Like Wishbone, only less dogs and more probes.
- “It's a bill that would require women to be vaginally probed against their will. No, literally vaginally probed. No, I'm not exaggerating. Probes would be put into vaginas.”
- “Part of the bill requires the screen with the ultrasound image to be pointed at the woman's face, but legally, she is allowed to 'avert her eyes.' It's not illegal for her to close her eyes.”
- “Even if the doctors don't want it to happen, it will happen.”
- “It's a bill that would allow women to bleed to death inside a hospital. The doctors don't have to help them. And if they survive, they can be charged with murder.”
- “He's a presidential candidate who's biggest concern is the Sexual Realm, and preventing people from having licenses to do things in it.”
- “Oh look, three more states with vaginal probing bills!”
- “No women were allowed to talk at the panel about women.”
- “Indeed, people were upset. But those who dissented were arrested by men in helmets, carried into busses and put in jail cells.”
- “I was recently asked on a date by a stranger on Twitter, and I'm doing it!”
- “A beer costs $7 here.”
Also, there's flying robots that drop bombs from the sky, but that's a subject for another night at the bar.
So, I don't mean to alarm anyone and I don't want to be the biggest crank at the bar. But things have gotten real weird lately. It can kind of sneak up on you, but it's worth noticing, before we all find ourselves in uterine dystopia. Also, these beer prices are insane.