Planned Parenthood Sends a Ginormous Pack of HBC Pills to Follow Mitt Romney's Campaign

And I have five other ideas for possible Romney campaign groupies, lovingly rendered with PHOTOSHOP!

Jun 20, 2012 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

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Planned Parenthood's plucky pill pack.

Planned Parenthood is taking an unusual tack in its ongoing efforts to draw national attention to the issue of whether health insurance should cover birth control costs, and Mitt Romney’s opposition to same: They’ve decided to send a person-sized pack of birth control pills to follow him around on the campaign trail.

Dubbed “Pillamina,” this costumed HBC embodiment already has plans to turn up at upcoming Romney campaign stops, and is also part of Planned Parenthood’s current campaign tracing the importance of birth control through history. 

That, of course, got me thinking. What OTHER costumes might be appropriate to follow Mitt Romney around in? Via the magic of Photoshop, I present a few ideas of my own.

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You have the right to remain silent, but I don't recommend it.

Fake Police Officer

Back in his days at Stanford, wacky funtime guy Mitt Romney allegedly boasted of his habit for impersonating a police officer, even showing a Michigan State Trooper uniform he owned to some classmates, and using the uniform to pull people over, as a lark. From the original report, quoted in the Huffington Post

“He told us that he had gotten the uniform from his father,” George Romney, then the Governor of Michigan, whose security detail was staffed by uniformed troopers. “He told us that he was using it to pull over drivers on the road. He also had a red flashing light that he would attach to the top of his white Rambler.”

In Madden’s recollection, confirmed by his wife Susan, who also attended Stanford during those years, “we thought it was all pretty weird. We all thought, ‘Wow, that’s pretty creepy.’ And after that, we didn’t have much interaction with him,” although both Madden and Romney were prep school boys living in the same dorm, called Rinconada.

Um, yeah. That is incredibly fucking creepy. And also probably illegal. But a good costume! So I’d suggest a fake police officer follow Romney around for a few weeks. I added the mustache for believeability.

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Truth be told, I always found Richie Rich to be super annoying, but I've already used Scrooge McDuck in reference to Romney before. HEAVEN FORFEND I REPEAT MYSELF.

Richie Rich

Romney is a rich guy, we all know that. However, being rich alone does not say anything about a person’s character -- a person’s character is determined by how they spend their money, and how they relate to those less fortunate than they are. Romney has had several missteps with regard to the, uh, non-filthy-rich, with some weirdly ill-thought-out comments about poor people, and his bizarre assertion that $370,000 is “not very much money.” 

Thus, I think it’d be helpful to have a character nearby on the campaign trail to remind Romney that being rich as hell doesn’t mean you can’t also be sympathetic of other folks’ very different circumstances. Richie Rich was the richest boy in the world, and was still kind and magnanimous to those who did not have cars made of gold and platinum diamond-studded toilet paper. Or whatever. 

Alternate costume: Scrooge McDuck, who was also a pretty nice rich guy, albeit one a little more prone to greediness. Hey, we’re all deeply conflicted and complex individuals in our private lives.

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That's Cranbrook Academy in the background, the scene of the crime -- I mean the totally harmless and not at all horribly scarring "prank."

A Giant Pair of Scissors

Even before his Stanford cop-impersonation days, Romney was well known as a “prankster” amongst his buddies at prep school. The funniest thing EVER was the time he and a few friends attacked a quiet fellow student, often bullied for allegedly being gay, and forcibly held him down in a closed room on campus. As the boy cried and struggled, Romney cut his long hair, which was just intolerable to the fun-loving rule-breaking Mitt Romney. What a guy! Naturally, he was never disciplined for this event. 

Many of the other now-adult men involved in the incident have since expressed remorse over it, but not Romney, who claims not to remember it. That itself is awfully scary, as I can’t imagine forgetting something so apparently violent and predatory, but that’s our Mitt! So many pranks, he can’t even recall them all. (Tragically, the boy he attacked died in 2004.)

I’d like to help out, though, so I think it might be useful to follow him around with a freaking huge pair of scissors. Not in an overtly threatening manner, of course. You could just stand off to the side and rub the blades ominously.

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I have been to many rodeos.

Mommie Dearest

Once upon a time, Mitt Romney had some pretty progressive views on abortion. According to the New York Times: 

In 1994, as a Senate candidate, he invoked the story of a “close family relative” who had died after an illegal abortion and insisted that abortion should be “safe and legal,” though he was personally opposed. In 2002, while running for governor of Massachusetts, he sought the endorsement of abortion rights advocates, promising to be “a good voice” among Republicans, one advocate said.

But three years later, Romney wrote in a Boston Globe op-ed that he was now “pro-life.” I am sure this sudden change of heart had NOTHING to do with his presidential aspirations. What am I, a cynic?

Nevertheless, I think it might be a smart idea to have the “Mommie Dearest” fictionalized version of Joan Crawford following him around for the next few months, all the while dispensing vigorous and emphatic reminders that we will accept no wire hangers... ever.

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Giant bowl of baked beans optional.

The State of Massachusetts

Ah, Massachusetts, like a big tragic albatross hanging around poor Romney’s neck. How does a Republican Presidential candidate recover from having been governor of The Most Liberal State EVAAARRR, as the GOP is fond of classifying it? Especially as recently as John Kerry’s failed candidacy? 

Massachusetts is the site of so many unfortunate reminders of Mitt Romney’s “evolving” politics. Massachusetts is home to Romney-designed socialized healthcare, the same system on which Obamacare (which is itself a ripoff of what was originally known locally as Romneycare) is based. Massachusetts is also where Romney frequently asserted his support for GLBT rights (if not equal marriage) and, as noted above, was where he once expressed his pro-choice beliefs.

I think a giant state of Massachusetts might help Romney to think more thoroughly henceforth prior to backtracking, “evolving,” or just plain making stuff up in a spookily Machiavellian effort at winning the presidency. 

So those are my suggestions. Of course, it’s unlikely that any of them will change Mitt Romney’s mind, but hey, political activism is a tough uphill road sometimes. Did I forget anything? Let us know about your proposed campaign groupies in comments.