There are a lot of times when I'm aware that I'm being a bad feminist.
I own an Eazy-E album. I am harder on female comedians who have slept with my ex-boyfriends than I am on male comedians who have slept with my ex-boyfriends. I have used the C-word in a non-kooky-English way. If he were a real person, I would prrrrrrobably have sex with that Turtle guy from "Entourage."
But every once in a while, I really can't tell. I certainly bristled at Brett Ratner calling Olivia Munn a fake-Asian trailer whore. But my response to her assertion that he had a terminal case of shrimp wang was a hearty, Nelson Muntz "HAH ha."
Over at another web site, I have a write-in an advice column for young men. The topic that always comes up in the emails they send is the sensitive one of dick size: "Do I have to tell a girl I have a small dick?" "Do women really care about dick size?" "Are there any girls out there who like small dicks?" "A four inch dick is small? I heard four inches was average!"
I want to write them back and tell them that their penises are perfect and how it doesn't make a difference, and that four inches is basically a megalodon dick, but that would be a lie. Preference aside, we all know that different dicks feel different, unless we have one of those blind vaginas from "Middlesex."
It feels hypocritical for me to defend women whose bodies are different and then turn around and use an (albeit hilarious) nickname for my ex-boyfriend.
I can't say I've ever broken up with guys over dick size, but it's definitely gone in the pro or con column. A guy I'd only been seeing for a few weeks threatened to break up with me if I "didn't stop working so much," and even though that's a bullshit reason to break up with somebody and we really liked each other, I was kind of like, "Goodbye, brother. Peace in this life." Because his penis was the size of a piece of sushi.
I let a relationship with a guy with a Vincent Gallo tattoo go on for entirely too long (which in this case was anything over 30 minutes) based on the fact that his dick exercises the kind of psychological grip that necessitates professional deprogramming. This was Waco dick.
I just recycle-nailed The Guy who Broke My Heart™ to the horror of my friends, who have no way of knowing that he is hung like when you get too many fillings at Chipotle and the guy behind the counter is like, "Uh oh! Gonna need to add a second tortilla."
In general, unzipping a dude's pants and finding a piece of Halloween candy is definitely a sad slide whistle moment. It's probably the same way a guy feels when he takes off my shirt and finds out I'm built like Artie Lange. Does this mean I didn't learn anything at Bennington???
But, like having fat, we tend to treat having a small penis like a character flaw. These aren't character flaws! I know it feels good to say something about some jerk's microbial excuse for genitals, but an asshole is an asshole whether his penis is a sapling or a mighty oak.
Please don't misunderstand me. I love all underpants creatures, great and small. Fellas, any time you let me see you naked, I'm "Thank you, Jesus"-ing inside like an Anthony Michael Hall movie virgin.
But I DO talk about dicks a lot with my friends. 1/2 Priced Appetizer hour at the Atlantic Pacific Applebee's might more aptly be called, "Penis Talk with Julieanne Smolinski."
I think the reason why these conversations are shared with such relish by straight women (and OK, gay men) is that they're sort of the photo negative of the locker room. It's a way to parry an objectionable culture that we've always been sure happens just out of our ear shot. It's cattiness in response to bullying, but that doesn't make it an appropriate salve.
I'm an F cup, so I know what it's like to have insults or even just "things said" about the size of body parts over which you have no control. I get it! It is the worst! I mean, I guess it's even worse for men, because there's no safe and effective cosmetic dick surgery that health insurance will cover. I'm also self-conscious about the size of my nose, and I've never been asked to pleasure anybody with it. (It's me, though, so give it time.)
Some men have a great sense of humor about their penises, the way many women have a sense of humor about being fat or brunette or tall or whatever we're daily forced to have a sense of humor about. The excellent writer, Jason Mulgrew , has expounded notably about living with a Totino's pizza penis.
But am I allowed to joke about it? When I describe a guy to my brunch friend as "the most tragic example of meat rationing since World War II," and he laughs, is he a bad person? I mean, he is, but that's why he's my brunch friend.
I will never, ever laugh at a fat joke -- not even accidentally. I just don't find them funny (exception: Fat Guy in a Little Coat, because come on). And yet a poorly-executed mini ween pun can make me laugh appreciatively like a bearded old professor.
When I've discussed the issue with guy friends, they'll inevitably say something like, "Well MAYBE women who like huge dicks just have LOOSE VAGINAS." No, friends. Even world record gang bang holder Lisa Sparks's vagina can't be "stretched out" by penises. Any reputable gynecologist whom you ask (for work purposes) will tell you: barring the odd medieval torture device, the only thing that can "loosen" you are age and childbirth.
But see? Having to champion vaginas as a whole when bringing up penis size is disconcerting, as is anything that puts human bodies on the defensive.
So, as I tell young guys who ask: Sure, there are women for whom a small dick is not a problem. But just like a lot of men are attracted to women with huge, perfect breasts, a lot of women prefer a big dick.
I'd be tempted to say that, empirically, certain sizes of body parts are just more effective, much in the same way that a bus is more effective at holding 30 people than a car. But it is not objectification to admire a very large bus. And at its root, objectifying people is a feminist issue.
Normally, I try to get all of my life lessons from porn and old episodes of "Family Ties." But if you guys have anything to say on the subject, me and my jingoist vagina are very receptive.*
*Not in a "loose" way. Ship shape down there.