There are mirrors I won’t look into. Wait, let me revise -- there are mirrors that I look into only when I want fall to the ground shrieking, “THE INTERNET IS RIGHT, I AM A MONSTER!” I don’t think I’m alone.
Humans beings are curious creatures, and reflective surfaces have mesmerized us since Narcissus was all, “Hey booooo wuuuut I’m dead now” in Ancient (mythological) Greece.
For a variety of reasons, we look better in some of these surfaces than we do in others. My best friend has a mirror on the landing of her apartment building that typically shows me to be in fact, my old, demented grandmother. This is because of lighting, not because the mirror has magical properties...to my knowledge. Conversely, the mirror in the bathroom attached my office is all, “Oh hello IMMORTAL BEAUTY OF ALL AGES, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?”
Still, I'm looking askance at this mirror you can buy for the sole purpose of looking 10 pounds slimmer. Yup. This is an actual thing. It’s real. Their tagline is not “Spanx -- For Your Eyes” - but it basically could be. In the pantheon of ridiculous shit sold to men and women who are worried about their weight, this might hold a special place. I want to sabotage the factory and send out only mirrors that make people look rotund or short. Or maybe I’d just mail people live, trained, squirrels since that would cause less heartbreak while still managing to be JUST AS RIDICULOUS.
If ordering thin-mirrors is going to become a thing, it’s only a matter of time before we turn other items for the home into thinner, more delusion-supporting, versions of themselves. To assist in this process, I’ve procured (it’s shocking, I know) a list of 5 items to get them started.
These are actually just...washcloths. Only we sell them as towels, and when people complain that their nakedness is not being successfully shielded, we shame them for being too large for the towels. This also works the other way, where we just make giant towels and frantically dry off our parts while declaiming, “WOW, I am SO SKINNY that I can’t even get this whole towel wet!”
These are giant hairbrushes that weigh 50+ pounds. They are very difficult to lift and can crack your skull if brought down too suddenly to pull through your fab tresses. When you are hospitalized with broken wrists, everyone around you will croon, “She’s so thin and delicate that she can’t even hold her hairbrush!” Unless you die from a crushed brain. Then no one will praise you -- because coffins make everyone look boxy.
This is a two-part product. A liquid, blendable foundation, accented with natural honey is applied. So far, so normal. Until part two, where you are escorted into the desert and buried up to your neck in sand so that the fire ants might devour your sweet, sweet face. If the human head weighs eight pounds (THANKS JERRY MAGUIRE) you’ll be bound to lose AT LEAST five pounds in face-meat alone.
This is not an actual diet food. This is an empty plate that you tell people is a plate full of cake. You eat it with a pretend fork and go “Oh this cake is so yummy!” You try to hide your tears. But you do not succeed. That’s okay -- you’ve been retaining a lot of fluid lately anyway.
Inspired by the tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, these killer booties -- styled after a pair of Jimmy Choos -- are in fact, wrought from cast iron. Once you’ve been restrained, the booties are clamped onto your bare feet, causing you to dance and dance and dance as third degree burns cover your bottom extremities. Nothing says weight loss like extreme physical trauma. Werk, gerl!
Would you buy a skinny mirror? When you think about it -- is it that different from buying any other product with the s-word in the title? I mean, I drink hella Skinny Water, but that is mainly because it tastes like grape soda and also I hate myself. Hit me with your words in the comments!