As a lady, there are days when my body really confuses me. I take a selfie and I just don’t know what to make of it – this body, this face. It seems okay to me, but what qualifies me to judge? I’m told by endless black marks on endless glowing screens that the folds of my skin hold data and evidence which, when properly measured and applied, reveals holistic information about my personhood. What relief!
Scrolling through trending hashtags, I can gain access to all kinds of tests which will measure (with precision!) my beauty relative to my worth. In days gone by, women existed in a tangled jungle of confusion where the only way to figure out one's self worth was to visually compare your body to the other bodies around you. But there was no system! No prescribed test! Madness! Chaos!
We have tools now: the thigh gap test, the finger trap test, bikini bridge, the belly button challenge, the collarbone challenge, and Anaface. Take these tests, upload your findings to a shared database/social media platform and catalog your results. Make sure to note your hypothesis – you’ll receive a grade at the end. Fill out your score card, place your bets, and press down hard on the ‘submit’ button.
Maybe you’ve taken one of these "tests"? Well, I’m about to take them all. No more fucking around. This flesh prison needs a rating, a grade, a score ASAP because I’m no animal and we need some goddamn order around here. Welcome to The Lady Olympics, please take a seat.
First Event: The Thigh Gap Test
Hypothesis: Consistently high levels of chub rub forecast low scores for this event.
Performance: Instructions for this test state that the lady must stand with her feet together to determine the existence of a gap between her thighs.
Observe fig. 1. Visual evidence suggests that there is, in fact, zero thigh gap happening here. Those puppies are sealed tighter than a Rihanna blunt wrap. All signs point to a (deservedly) failing score.
But wait just a second, because this test is bullshit and here’s why: I’m no scientist, but I know that bodies are made up of atoms containing electrons that repel each other. Since those electrons repel each other, we’re never actually touching anything. Therefore, just because you can’t see my thigh gap, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Science would agree that evidence for the existence of my thigh gap is quantifiable and therefore my magnificent quadriceps have thoroughly crushed this event.
Score: 10/10, Russian judge calls it “dynamic” and “graceful”.
Second Event: The Finger Trap Test
Hypothesis: I anticipate another savage victory here. My face is symmetrical as hell and my nose-to-lip sexiness ratio cannot be fucked with.
Performance: Instructions for this test state that the lady must touch the tip of her index finger to the tip of her nose while resting her hand against her chin. If the lady’s lips touch her finger then she is desirable in the eyes of God and man. If lips and finger don’t achieve contact, then she’d better have a damn good personality.
This test seems to be supported by other codified federal science experiments, such as the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge, so I feel bound to uphold it. My skills as a lady-identifying person slay, yet again, and I achieve full marks for lip sexiness.
Score: 10/10, Audience members begin to tear at their clothes.
Third Event: Bikini Bridge
Hypothesis: Based on my physics mic drop earlier in the gauntlet, I believe I have bikini bridge in the bag.
Performance: ‘Bikini bridge’ is a term for the space you get between your bathing suit bottom and your hip bones when you lie down. This test was created by 4chan trolls and then picked up steam on Instagram, as delirious garbage memes are wont to do.
Unfortunately for the brilliant minds behind bikini bridge, this ain’t my first rodeo and I’ve come to play. Observe fig. 1 again. You may notice that my bikini bottoms are high-waisted and therefore completely cover the potential bikini bridge region, which might have rendered this test useless and irrelevant if it weren’t already. Allergic to the clever subterfuge of the lady contestant, the trolls in the audience melt and hiss.
Score: Disqualified but feeling real smug about it.
Fourth Event: The Belly Button Challenge
Hypothesis: Please imagine me standing on a cliff over an endless, black abyss while the words “fuck no” echo in the air eternally.
Performance: The Belly Button Challenge requires the lady to wrap her arm (backwards) around her waist to see if she can reach her belly button. This seems like a physical impossibility to me unless you’re double jointed or one of those people who can somehow lick their elbow. (Who are you people? Where do you come from? Please write to me.)
Observe fig. 3. A valiant effort, but an obvious failure. However, I do think that this is a great pose for arthritic readers looking for a fun new stretch. Perhaps this could be incorporated into some sort of yoga routine? Or vogueing? What I’m saying is, I think you’ll look great failing at The Belly Button Challenge.
Score: 7/10, Choreographers and lifestyle coaches rate this effort 5 stars.
Fifth Event: The Collarbone Challenge
Hypothesis: I conservatively estimate that I will be able to balance four quarters on my collarbone. I anticipate 10 hotness points for each quarter balanced. $1.00 = 40 hotness points.
Performance: Half of the audience perishes in an earthquake caused by how hard I crushed this shit. Not only did I balance NINE quarters – I also balanced 10 pennies, 9 dimes, 7 nickels, and 2 Jolly Ranchers. (All in separate attempts, of course. This isn’t Man on Wire.) If The Collarbone Challenge determines how sexy you are based on how many coins you can balance on your collarbone then look for me at the 2016 Victoria’s Secret lingerie show.
Score: 10/10, 350 hotness points, Security is hired to keep audience members from jumping into the arena and grinding on me.
Sixth Event: Anaface
Hypothesis: My facial symmetry is the Wu Tang of facial symmetry. It simply cannot be fucked with. Bring it.
Performance: Anaface measures your facial symmetry and gives you a “facial beauty score” based on how symmetrical your mug is. I receive an earth-shattering 8.16/10 score and an analysis that has the fucking nerve to say that I have “poor horizontal symmetry.” This is hyperbolic bullshit. My “innerocular distance” is “too big” for my eyes? My mouth is too wide for my nose? What about The Finger Trap Test? Do the people behind these tests even talk to one another, for god’s sake?
I am shaken, but my ideal face-width-to-nose-width ratio calms me. When I have children, I will soothe them to sleep with a powerpoint presentation of my facial geometry.
Score: 8.16/10, Elon Musk begins to build a 100 foot tall maglev cyborg train woman using my Anaface data.
At the end of my trials, I feel that my worth as a human lady has been effectively quantified and evaluated. My average score is a respectable 7.53/10 and I feel I’ve emerged from The Lady Olympics a better, more well-rounded individual. Now I know exactly how to feel about my body. Thank you, internet!