When I was just an adolescent and not the wildly classy adult I am today, I thought ordering an "Italian Soda" at the mall Coffee Beanery (made with Torani syrup and seltzer) was the height of sophistication. You know, like chocolate-covered espresso beans and eating chocolate-covered strawberries with long, French manicured nails.
But today, I am not so sure.
brought the existence of
syrup to my attention and like... I can't tell if maybe they're a bunch of crazy racists?
At first I was like, "Chicken and Waffle Syrup? Well, this is just one of those things that sounds delicious stunt foods that I'll never eat, like those
. NOT sophisticated. NEXT!"
But then I noticed the
UH OH. Harlem JAZZ Smash? Eeek! Would this be delicious or RACIST? Let's click on the link.
Christ Alive! A fucking cookie rim??? Oh no no no.
OK, maybe it's just a weird, one-time thing? I mean, yes, Harlem is notable for its soul food, but something just kind of didn't sit right with me. Something like, hmmm, I dunno, a cocktail made out of mashed peaches, cookies, bourbon and chicken-flavored syrup.
I quickly parsed Torani's other recipes for examples of cultural insensitivity and was only able to come up with:
OH NOOOOOO. NO NO NO NO. NOT A CHOCOLATE COFFEE DRINK NAMED AFTER MALCOM X. PLEASE NO.
Uh. Wow. Maybe there is context for this, somehow, but I cannot fathom one that doesn't make me a little uncomfortable. Like, maybe: Black History Month Themed Italian Coffee Syrup Recipes to Celebrate Sweet Achievements in Civil Rights? Yeah, still not there yet.
Yikes, Torani. When you call Chicken and Waffles "history's stickiest love affair," thank you for showing restraint by not adding, "aside from landmark miscegnation case Loving v. Virginia." What's next? The Huey Fig Newton Torani Frozen Latte? Reverend Dr. Milk Chocolate Mudslide?
AM I BEING OVERLY SENSITIVE HERE?
Please help, sometimes I'm such a bleeding heart liberal that I honestly cannot tell when I'm being TOO sensitive and enlightened and I'm white as a pina colada or a snickerdoodle and I've never had anybody try to appropriate my race for a smoothie or sundae.
Update: So the site now says that this is an April Fool's joke. To be fair, they released the flavor on March 27, which is when me and the rest of the Internet wrote about it and WAY EARLY for an April Fool's Joke, which traditionally take place on April 1, and does not explain the Malcom X-presso.