Thanks, Chicago Police, For Protecting Us From the Menace of Pregnant Women Running Loose!

Never leave any stone unturned when it comes to taking down a pregnant woman.

Jun 7, 2012 at 12:59pm | Leave a comment

As we all know, pregnant women are a menace to society. You never know what they might be hiding in their suspiciously bulging uteri, and they claim all sorts of excuses to get out of things like being X-rayed, beaten by cops, or standing up on trains like the rest of us. So I for one am glad to hear that Chicago police are on the case, protecting law-abiding citizens from the perilous predations of pregnant monsters lurching through the streets threatening to bring down doom upon us all.

Take Tiffany Rent, who had the audacity to think she could pull into an accessible parking space when her younger daughter was having a meltdown on Tuesday night. She took the first available space she spotted because she seemed to think she shouldn’t be driving while her young child was in extreme emotional distress -- total pregnant person behaviour, right? -- and focused on trying to calm her daughter down.

Fortunately, cops were there to swoop in, boxing in her car and writing her up for a traffic infraction immediately. As we all know, I take defense of accessible spaces extremely seriously, and I’m relieved to know that Chicago apparently posts police officers to guard each and every single one from anyone without D-plates or a temporary placard. And boy howdy were they justified, or at least so they say in their police report, because she got uppity with them! The nerve! They say she was cussing at them and everything.

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Tiffany leaving court on Wednesday morning. Look at her, being all threatening and pregnant and stuff. 

Oh, it gets better than that. You see, after Rent informed the officers she was eight months pregnant and ripped up the ticket -- those preggers ladies and their feelings -- she rolled up the window in her car because she got a little nervous around the police. Like a Black woman would have anything to be nervous about when interacting with the Chicago police! Everyone knows we live in a post-racial society.

So they tased her. Through the window that she so rudely closed in their faces. Because, and I quote:

You want to use [a taser] where you're overcoming an assault, or preventing escape.

You never know when a pregnant person is going to just bust through the windows of a car to assault you, or throw a car into gear and drive over the police car boxing her in to flee down the highway. Pregnant people are like supervillains, people. You've got to watch out for them. Like the ocean, you never want to turn your back on them because you never know when a sneaker wave will come up behind you and bam! that's the end of it. 

Did I mention it was in the chest?

Because clearly, with pregnant people, you’ve got to go for the ultimate stopping power, in case they attempt a zombie-like rise. To make sure Rent was put firmly in her place, the police made sure to mock her while she told them she had a high-risk pregnancy and that her chest hurt -- pshaw, like being tased in the chest would make your chest hurt -- and then they dislocated her boyfriend’s elbow when he tried to intervene. Serve and protect, baby!

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Tiffany Rent and her partner, Joseph Hobbs. Look at these two. OBVIOUSLY a threat to society. 

When she and her boyfriend protested -- like they had anything to complain about -- the police told her to “call Jesse Jackson.” You’re funny, Chicago police! Way to throw some racism in with your assault of an obviously pregnant women and her partner! I wonder if the department gives special training in the full package experience so new officers know exactly how to handle dangerous situations like this one. Never leave any stone unturned when it comes to taking down a pregnant woman. 

She and her partner have been charged with simple assault and she got a citation for parking in an accessible space; thank the stars the Chicago police are patrolling the streets to keep us safe from harm.

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