So maybe you've heard about the "anti-pervert hairy stockings" that are supposedly popular right now in China for girls to wear to scare off creepers.
Thanks to one post on microblogging site Sina Weibo showing a pair of hairy legs and captioned “Super sexy, summertime anti-pervert full-leg-of-hair stockings, essential for all young girls going out," it seems like every news outlet in America is having a full-body freakout over the fact that "leg hair stockings" are a new trend for young women in China.
Tragically for the entire mainstream media, the original post seems to have been just a joke, judging by the complete lack of "hairy stockings" available to purchase online. And it's a good thing, too, because as we know, ain't no amount of hair going to stop a weirdo from cat-calling you on the bus, no matter how much fur your legs are sporting.
Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in our imaginations. If we're going to put the onus on young women to try to make themselves as unappealing to men as possible, just werewolfing it up from the waist down is pretty weak.
I can speak to this firsthand, as I am incredibly lazy when it comes to shaving my legs, yet have been also known to enjoy a nice pair of jorts now and again. I mean, sure, everyone knows there's little more horror-inducing than a woman who doesn't maintain silky smooth calves, but many dudes I have encountered in my travels around my fair city still somehow manage to bravely work up the gumption to croak out, "Nice tits," through their mouthful of barf.
In fact, I'm fairly sure that I could finally make good on my threat to tape my shaved-off armpit hair to my chin and make a silky little soul patch and strangers would still feel the need to inform me what a good fuck I'd make.
When it comes to making people feel uncomfortable and shivery in their own skin, the creeps in my town -- and, let's be real, in most towns -- can really go above and beyond.
Still, if we are going to go ahead and assume that women should take responsibility for preventing anyone from perving on them, I think we can do a little better. Here are some hot new summertime trends I came up with for women to put on their bodies to keep men far, far away from them. Feel free to add your own!
1. "This is What a Feminist Looks Like" T-shirt
2. Game of Thrones spoilers -- Either printed on clothing, or just scrawled on your forehead. Extra points if you make threatening gestures, like pointing to Robb Stark's name, shaking your head sadly, and then pointing at They Who Would Presume to Treat Your Body as Public Property.
3. A Passel of Live Baby Raccoons -- Cute, but smelly. Also potentially disease-ridden.
4. Full-body suit of armor (no boob cups)
5. Full-body suit of armor (with boob cups, but plus axe)
6. Their grandma's perfume
7. You know that thing that happens sometimes when you think your period is over but then it's not over and you're trapped out in public and you spend the day vaguely terrified that you bled through your pants? The underwear from that day, but over your pants this time.
8. Krav Maga black belt
9. "The Fountainhead"
10. Headphones loudly playing this Ke$ha song-- Not foolproof, but it does help if you sing along.
11. The forcibly reanimated spirit of a Revolutionary War soldier bent on bloody vengeance
12. Cactus bra
13. Magazine glossies of naked dudes kissing
14. French fries -- Heart disease is the leading cause of death in men.
15. Other people's freshly removed cancerous moles -- See above.
16. Another dude -- There's a reason my guy friends never seem to quite believe me when I talk about street harassment.
17. Tights screenprinted with their father's disappointed face
18. The Miami Heat championship trophy
19. Something that makes you feel comfortable and sexy and at ease in your own skin. -- Nothing terrifies street harassers more than the prospect that you might feel happy and safe while moving through your life despite their best efforts, which is why most of the things on this list probably still wouldn't work to keep them out of your personal space, and I'm sorry I can't be of more use on that front. But please do know that if I had a guaranteed method of denying unwanted attention, I would share it with you in a fucking heartbeat.
20. Rompers -- They always ride up your butt all weird.
Please share more trend ideas in the comments or to Kate on Twitter: @katchatters.