Yo Potheads! I Love You. But If You Want To Smoke Less Weed, Here's How

You don't have to quit anything you don't want to quit! But I can help you with the pot thing.

Mar 24, 2011 at 4:17pm | Leave a comment

                
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I'm no Dr. Phil. In fact, Dr. Phil is my enemy! Every time my grandma watches him she tries to have me sent to rehab again and I'm all, "MIMI, I AM NOT THE SAME AS THE HOMELESS DUDE WITH THE GOLDEN VOICE. I AM NOT TED WILLIAMS. I JUST AM NOT."

And then she gets yells something back and so I scream at her that fine, FINE, I'll go to rehab again, for ADDICTION TO NOTHING, so long as it is in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA OR ARIZONA. And then she agrees to pay $50K for Promises Malibu or whatever and the next day when I talk to her on the phone she doesn't remember our fight. Because she was drunk! WASP-y old people: Only Kate Moss gets more regularly sloshed. (No judgement!)

Anyhow. NO, I am not Dr. Phil. SMOKE your weed, friends! But if you're trying to cut back, here's some advice backed up by actual science:

• Some terrible people from the Vanderbilt University Addiction Center stuck a bunch of innocent stoners on treadmills! For 10 30-minute sessions over a two week-period, participants plodded miserably along as though being evacuated from their villages by the Khmer Rouge. But at the end of the 14 days, their cravings for delicious blunts were cut by like 50%! Yes, exercise reduces pot cravings -- so instead of hitting the bong, hit the gym. No, I will hit myself in the face for writing that gay sentence. 

• I hate when the answer to every problem is "exercise", so this strategy for quitting or cutting down on weed is totally psychological. Ok, so this one study (by HARVARD, so you know it's true) says that heavy users are all, "Pot definitely negatively impacts my life." If YOU feel that way -- a lot of people don't! -- it was found that after a brief "withdrawal impairment" period (those are DEATH from anything; I know, I know), your brain and happiness totally bounces back! "Following a month of abstinence," announced HARVARD, "Men and women who smoked pot at least 5,000 times in their lives performed just as well on psychological tests as people who used pot sparingly or not at all." HOT.

So there IS hope with dope, no matter what those squares on "Saved By The Bell" say. Stupid Brandon Tartikoff! Oh, wait. I just Googled him. He died. Nevermind.

Anyway, most of the people I know are pot smokers on the regular, especially those with actual jobs who like to relax after work. I have a few artist friends who quit and they swear it changed their lives. I'm an in-between-y who basically likes to disengage from reality but also does not like getting fat and feeling lazy.

Where do you stand on pot?