I Have Anosmia and Jeggings, and You Should, Too

I was that person tootling around unaware of her crotch smell

Jun 30, 2011 at 10:02am | Leave a comment

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I read with terror Emily’s question about the smelly vagina. This is a fear for me because I have a vagina that I cannot smell. 

Anosmia! It’s a thing that exists. Some people start with it after head injuries. Examples include my coworker’s boyfriend, who got hit in a brawl, and the kid from "Twelve and Holding." And me!

I first knew I was different when I got nothing, absolutely nothing, from scratch ‘n sniff stickers as a child. To be agreeable, I pretended. (“Oh, yeah. It’s just like root beer!”)

I fear two things: gas leakages and odoriferous disease of my person that is otherwise asymptomatic. I’m always afraid of offending with a smell I cannot detect. Oh, and also food spoilage. Mold. And I can’t smell smoke if there’s a fire, so maybe I fear more than two things after all.

One time out of a clear blue routine HMO well-check, my health-care person made a face like you’d expect to see on a person who was trying to tell a lady her vagina smelled bad without hurting her feelings.

“Do you,” the doctor said, “have any itching? At all?”

“None?”

Nope.

“That’s very surprising. I think you have BV.”

I was that person, tootling around unaware of her crotch smell! Harsh! Having periods was enough of a stink scare. And I maybe shouldn’t wear these shoes in summer in Texas. (But I do. I can at least wash them easily.) But BV? What do you do about BV?

There are many answers (sharing is encouraged) but I got one for BV and yeast both, y’all: put some boric acid in your vagina. (Do not--I repeat--do not eat it. That’s for yogurt.)

Boric acid will clean your downstairs entirely. So will garlic, for the record, but I’m apprehensive about rocking a clove of garlic since I can’t smell what it’s giving off.

And boric acid destroys roaches, a problem contemporaneous with summertime p-funk. If you’re not in drought conditions, you could use boric acid to make green flames! Wicked! Let’s see you make green flames, Metrogel!

You can buy bulk boric acid powder and capsule it up yourself (details here from VaginaPagina). If you’re like me and prefer the experience of a greasy bullet-shaped suppository, allow me to present Yeast Arrest (scroll down; it’s a hippie Web site).

Yeast Arrest should call itself Destroy All Vaginal Invaders. (It is not, in fact, condom-safe, due to various hippie oils.)  A 14-day supply is comparable in price to typical drugstore yeast-busters.

The box advises the user to store the product at room temperature but refrigerate each bullet briefly before use. If you don’t, it’ll stick to its packaging. If you do, you will enjoy a pleasant cooling sensation accompanied by the far less pleasant conflagration of another ingredient, tea tree oil. But that’s how you know it’s working!

Ordinarily I am no fan of icy-hot sensations in the area, but if I am counteracting an itch (and smell) while eliminating the cause, let it burn, muffin-fluffers.

Also it’s got neem oil, a hippie oil celebrated for its use in Ayurvedic medicine and its wack smell. I can’t recommend Yeast Arrest without investigating its scent -- some smelling folk are right particular about their odors -- so I asked my kid, who exhibits normal olfactory function and is frequently pressed into service sniffing perishables around the house, to smell a fresh, unused Yeast Arrest suppository and report back.

The stuff smells “funny, but not too bad” and “kind of weird.” I can’t vouch for what smells result after it’s deployed.

I can say that I am no longer actually afraid of the jeggings I for some reason own. (There was a weak moment and a Target discount rack.) I still don’t actually know how or why to wear them. They make me feel like a Never-Nude, neither naked nor clothed.

But I know if do wear them, I’m not defenseless against butt germs riding up my thong (yeah, they do that) and causing a stink.

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