Seven months ago, at 30 years young, I stumbled into the greatest sex of my life. For me this is huge, mainly because my day-to-day as a professional sweater often leaves me too exhausted in the eve to want to even pleasure myself, let alone somebody else. I've had my share of relationships and previous partners, and the sex was always "OK" — minus a handful of good-not-quite-great sexual experiences. But compared with this exciting new sexperience [Only because I love you so much, Charlee, and because you are the only human I know who would actually use this expression when talking, I well let you get away with this and other sex-related portmanteaus here. You're so welcome! —Jane], sex in my past life proved to be less exciting, less fulfilling, rather monotonous, and, quite frankly, rather vanilla.
Over the past several months, this newfound greatness in my bed has been delivering a brand-new experience every time. There’s passion, spontaneity, teamwork, and — dare I share it? — uncensored dirty talk, and lots of it. However, while having the most fun a girl can have, there is a level of physical fitness these sexcapades require that challenge even this professional sweater’s stamina and endurance.
Please, let me further boast about the situation: Every single time it’s a mind-blowing experience that leaves both of us so incredibly satisfied that for the moments of time following, neither of us can formulate words. I’ve had the pleasure of being pleasured in various experimental positions I didn’t know existed to simple positions with different angles of penetration. All this new action leaves me more often than not drenched in sweat and so out of breath that I started to wonder if maybe I should be training for the bedroom too.
Following a recent sexcessful night, the next morning I was greeted with a sore body, stiff hips, and a tight lower back. The stiffness was exactly how my body feels following a particular grueling workout. This time, instead of a HIIT (high intensity interval training) bout, the culprit was sex.
While I lay in bed, I wondered how in the hell I could incorporate training for these nighttime sessions into my already grueling training schedule. The answer became this QUICKIE MORNING WORKOUT routine I started doing as somewhat of a morning ritual.
It’s a fast routine you can do immediately after climbing out of bed to get ready for the next time you climb into bed.
QUICKIE MORNING WORKOUT
Time: 10–15 minutes
The workout below will increase flexibility while at the same time strengthening and toning the muscles used. So here they are, a set of exercises that'll make you even better able to have all kinds of great sex without getting so sore afterwards.
FOREPLAY — Lying Knee-to-Chest Stretch
* Do 5 stretches on each leg (10 total)
Warming up for fitness is equivalent to foreplay before sex: It preps the body to perform. Start your workout with this simple stretch to open the hips and lower back, which will facilitate the exercises that follow in an effort to increase range of motion.
How to do it:
- Lie flat on back
- With one leg flat on the ground, use your hands to bring the other knee into your chest
- Hug your knee into your chest before releasing and slowly re-extending the leg
- Make sure to keep head, shoulders, and butt on the ground
- Repeat 5x on each leg
THE LOCOMOTOR — Sumo Squat + Pulse
* Do 3 sets of 10 (1 = 1 squat + 3 pulses)
The squat targets the locomotor muscles — a.k.a. the muscles that allow us to move from one place to another (i.e., transitioning from being on top to bottom). Muscles involved in locomotion are housed in the lumbar-pelvic region. This region of our bodies is important for two things: 1) it’s where our upper body connects and moves about with the lower body and 2) it houses both parties’ baby-making organs. This exercise will strengthen and tone the thighs while also increasing flexibility through the hip flexors and ankles. (Think: If you are struggling and feel restricted when trying to dip it low, this will help with that.)
How to do it:
- Start with feet slightly wider than hip distance apart and toes pointed out
- Begin squatting by bending the knees simultaneously, and drop straight down
- Keep the weight on the whole foot with chest up
- Track knees over the feet as you lower
- Squat as deeply as possible while keeping a flat lower back
- Rise to start and repeat
- Complete 3 sets of 10 squats
THE BOOTY VIEW — Glute March
* Do 3 sets of 8 marches per leg (16 total per set)
There’s a lot of hot booty viewing when it comes to sex. More importantly, the glutes (a.k.a. the butt) perform a lot of action in bed. An actual hip thrust is the gluteals' job. This exercise isolates the booty muscles and promotes for greater range of motion (a.k.a. stronger thrusts).
How to do it:
- Lie on back with knees bent at 90 degrees and arms by your sides
- Keeping one leg on the ground, lift the other with a bent knee to a 90-degree angle
- Push through the heel of the planted leg and raise the hips as high as possible
- With the lower back in a neutral position, hold the position at the top for a moment before lowering down
- Repeat 3 sets of 8 marches on each leg (16 total per set)
THE ANIMAL — Crab Abs
* Do 3 sets of 10 (20 total, alternate sides)
Crab abs is a complex workout that works both the arms and core while simultaneously challenging the balance. This exercise puts less stress on the lower back and will strengthen the core and glutes. If anything, this exercise will allow you to practice coordination.
How to do it:
- Sit on ground with bent knees (knees directly over ankles) and hands pointed back and wrists pointed out directly below shoulders)
- Push through the hands and feet to elevate the hips off the ground.
- Balancing on one foot and hand, use the core bring opposite hand to opposite knee
- Maximize hip extension by thrusting the hips upward
- Repeat 3 sets of 10 (20 total, alternate sides)
THE FUPA — Straight-Leg Reverse Crunch
* Do 3 sets of 12
The most #basic ab workout, the crunch, targets mostly the upper part of the abdominal wall. The reverse crunch is good at combating what some like to call the FUPA (fluffy upper pubic area). A focused strengthening exercise in the lower abdominal region can help strengthen the tummy area. This means having a strong core to assist in physical activity should you find yourself in a position with feet over head.
How to do it:
- Lie on your back with legs/feet extended straight up in the air (think an “L” position)
- Raise the booty off the ground by using the lower abdominals to push the legs and feet straight up
- Slowly lower and repeat
- Repeat 3 sets of 12
* Repeat 3 sets of 8 (or as many as you feel comfortable doing)
WARNING: This is an advanced pose; proceed with caution. If you are inexperienced, it is recommended to do in a safe setting (i.e., yoga class or with a trainer). The plow pose is a great way to open up the neck, shoulders, and back muscles. It also resembles a lot of moves experienced in bed. ;) Double bonus, my yoga teacher told me it relieves stress.
How to do it:
- Same setup as reverse crunch — flat on back, legs extended
- Use abdominal muscles to lift legs up and then over
- Depending on flexibility, either keep the legs straight or bend the knees while slowly lowering toes to the floor
- Work toward making the spine perpendicular to the ground
- For support, place the arms straight out (opposite direction of toes) or bring hands to the lower back
- Return arms in extended position and move legs back over to restart
- Repeat 3 sets of 8