You Can Pry This Big Mac From My Cold Dead Hands: What We Will Never Give Up Eating

If there is such a thing as "bad" foods, these are probably it.

Jan 22, 2013 at 2:30pm | Leave a comment

So I’m on day seven of this elimination diet thing that I’m using to heal my alleged leaky gut, if that is even a thing. I’ve been feeling pretty good, save for one headache, which was just a regular headache instead of a migraine. My sleep has improved, I can tell you that much. 

Not eating any gluten, sugar, dairy, soy, corn, peanuts or eggs isn’t as tough as I thought it would be, and every time I have a craving for ice cream*, I eat an apple. It’s only for three weeks, so I can deal. But the other day Emily sent out her daily “things to write about” e-mail and there was this gallery of foods that nutritionists would never, ever eat

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And it made me hungry for a Big Mac. In fact, I dreamed of Big Macs that night, no joke. When I finish this elimination diet, I’m totally going to get a Big Mac and probably undo all the gut healing I’m doing right now. That and a wedge of manchego (if you want to know how much I love this cheese, consider that I included it on my “about me” board on Pinterest).

I asked xoJane contributors what foods they love to eat, even if they are “unhealthy” or “bad.” I put those words in quotes because I think this is totally subjective -- though for our purposes I think we mean foods that have little or no nutritional value, or are full of weird chemicals that may or may not cause cancer in lab rats. But feel free to chime in on this! 

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Put the mac and cheese on the fork. (This is a promise, not a threat.)

For me, it is Kraft Mac n’ Cheese. I don’t care if it’s someday revealed that it is made of ground up thumbtacks and cardboard, that fake neon orange powdered cheese is delicious. You know how Emily has all those new tattoos of lipstick and stuff? I could get a tattoo of like, a bowl of macaroni and cheese, a wedge of manchego and a pint of that peanut butter and chocolate ice cream from Baskin-Robbins. The dairy trifecta.

Anyway. Here’s what we’re eating that would make a nutritionist fall over and die:

Hannah: Big Macs, though I eat them without the beef patties. I also love McD's French fries. And I love that generic cheese goo they put on cheese fries. And as a Canadian I will never give up poutine. Oh and McDonald's breakfast. The hash browns with their grease leaking through the little paper packet ... Yum.

Julieanne: Movie theater nachos. I know that the cheese is made out of the same stuff as prison shampoo, but whenever I see a horror movie with my mom, we treat ourselves to fear nachos. It is a tradition I will never give up, even though it's probably worse for you than drinking melted plastic.

Rebecca Holman: McDonald's quarter pounder with cheese, dipped in sour cream and chive dip. Preferably eaten in bed, after the best part of a bottle of red wine, so it's REALLY hard to digest. 

Kate: I love deep-fried anything, particularly weird shit like pickles. And I will hunch over garlic fries and growl at people who try to take them away from me like an angry bear.

Alison: I eat Twizzlers and Haribo gummy bears for breakfast even though they yank my fillings out and the listed ingredients are "carcinogens and car wax."

Madeline: Doritos are my FAVORITE EVER. 

Daisy: Kraft macaroni and cheese -- and I eat the entire box, pate, diet coke, chicken sandwiches from Wendy's (the only fast food I allow myself), Irish nachos, hash browns, ranch dressing, ohmygod I could write this list forever, but I will stop now.

Louise: I drink way too much coffee. I'm probably an addict. But I love it. I'll drink any type of coffee -- gas station, 7-11, fast food chains, Starbucks, coffee bean, instant, ground pencil shavings -- and relish it. I love the smell, I love sipping on it, I love the excuse it gives me to get out of work or take a break to prepare it. I think it replaces smoking. 

Emily: Diet soda. I know it's made of death, but I have given up alcohol, drugs, compulsive sex, credit cards and bulimia, Fuck your fucking face for even suggesting I quit Coke Zero.

Now it’s your turn: what will you never, ever give up eating, no matter how unhealthful it is? Bonus points for weird/gross/unusual combinations, like Cheetos dipped in ice cream or whatever.

*Every day.