Update: Thanks for Fixing My Face! (And How You Can Save Your Busted-Up Mug in a Pinch)

I am just about ready to go out in public again, thanks to these tips you shared.

Aug 17, 2012 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

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Why so serious? Ha ha ha ha, just kidding, just facial burns.

Hey, remember when I burnt my stupid face to ribbons? What a time that was. How young and stupid we were. OK, just me, the one splashing acid on my face, last Friday.

Now it's a week later, and I'm doing a-okay, thanks to you guys.

I was grateful for all your tips, but also your own tales of facial woe, because it's good to know that there are others among you who have not left the house due to rashes, acne, burns, or so in want of common sense that you sear your face like a turkey patty on a sizzling Foreman grill.

This past week, I've been In Seclusion, doing work, chugging water and refusing to leave the house without a generous amount of concealer and the kind of lace mantilla preferred by turn of the century Spanish widows. 

Some of you sick weirdos wanted pictures. I like that about you. I like that you're gross. If you want to know what it DID look like at it's worst, just picture Pizza the Hut from "Spaceballs" with less personal magnetism.

But guess what? While it's not totally better, and I may have some permanent hyperpigmentation, it's much, much better. Isn't the human body resilient, especially when you do nothing but obsess about your skin for an entire week like some kind of vain old gay pianist with crippling thanatophobia?

In fact, it looks kinda good, now! I mean, good being relative. It's still burninated. But I definitely see the positive effects of the peel on my forehead, which is totally even-toned and smooth as an India-Jewel asscheek.

This does not equal an endorsement, friends! It really hurt and again, I may have some permanent damage.

But now I have an arsenal of stuff for soothing, smoothing, and healing skin, which is nice, in case I have one of my typical deep frying accidents, or date a sexy lady smoke jumper.

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A small portion of my lubricious arsenal. May use the leftovers to start an oil-thumb-wrestling league.

Here's what we learned:

- If you're the slightest bit ethnic (Is that the right word? Is it racist? Aren't we all of an ethnicity? I don't know!), as in "Not Pale and Peachy of Face," you should be careful. I'm Greek, olive, and I scar up like a clumsy pirate.

- Aquaphor is AMAZING. I mean, it looks like somebody splorged on your face and it feels unnervingly slippery, but if you ever have a dry patch of skin you need to put some makeup over (you know, like a healing zit or underground fight club mat rash), keep this in the house.

- BioOil and Body Oil are incredible. What the hell? How have I been missing this stuff? I found a spray body oil called Wonder 8 (as it combines grape seed, jojoba, coconut, tea tree, avocado, and some other oils with long ass names) at Rite Aid with an awesome illustration of a sexy black couple on the front. It made my face a little to greasy, but I dumped some BioOil in there and now I spray it from the neck down after I get out of the shower. I smell like a tropical drink but I feel as smooth as one of those Jamaican beach hustlers who hoodwinked poor Terry McMillan. Is it true it cures stretch marks and dark spots, too? The package says so, and includes an awesome illustration of somebody rubbing oil on her titties. Wow, who needs RedTube? Thanks, BioOil!

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- Cetaphil gentle cleanser on a super soft, warm cloth. As soon as my skin felt a little better, I started swiping the crispy patches verrrrry delicately, just a little to get the exfoliation going. This is actually fun, because, hey, you're shedding huge layers of skin, pretend to be a cobra. SSSSSSSS!

- BurnJelPlus. This is for burns, but it's basically like a futuristic, roided-out neosporin. It's really soothing, light, and has vitamin E and tea tree oil for healing. I'd recommend it for bad sunburns, scrapes, but also bug bites too, because it's got numbing lidocaine, which I found out AFTER I slathered it on my face and had to go around talking like Buffalo Bill with stroke paralysis. Any excuse to do that though, right?

- An avocado masque. Mask? Masque? I don't know what the spelling protocol is, but I do know that this stuff should be handed out to skin care morons at birth. It's soothing and gets rid of redness and shininess. I prefer the store-bought kind to the homemade, because it doesn't fall off in chunks and you aren't weirdly tempted to eat it. I like Freeman's, because it smells mysteriously of cake batter.

And here's a final tip. If the lower half of your face has been chemically beer battered, put the focus on the upper part. My brow game has never been locked tighter, thanks to the Brow Wiz. It's super easy to use and a mere $20.

I'm off peels for the foreseeable future (which, knowing me, might be very short. I'll probably find a way to get Darwined off by then. There are a lot of open sewer grates in New York and sometimes I sext while walking). But! For the intrigued, reader and Fellow Greek (yay! Sorry for ruining the global economy, enjoy the baklava) Heatherette shared her routine, which I am very interested in, to say the least. Quoth she:

After the burn heals and you have a few therapy sessions and want to try glycolics again start out slow and with a reputable brand. Get you some CeraVe Hydrating Cleanser (am & pm) Peter Thomas Roth Gentle Correction Complexion Pads (am & pm), Fresh Umbrian Clay Mattifying Serum for Hydration in the Day with your choice of SPF on top & Peter Thomas Roth Hydrating Glycolic Gel 10% to use at night and Tweet me in 6 weeks for further instruction, xoxo

Thanks so much you guys! I hope to delight you with more tales of my misadventures in playing with chemicals in the future. You really are the nicest group of people on the Internet, and very understanding and helpful, unlike those megabitches at iVillage.* For now, I'm grateful I have you, and that I can stop living like the Phantom of the Opera.

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Backlit for that flattering White Diamonds ad effect. But doesn't my brow look nice?

*jk jk jk, iVillage is great, my houseguests love their cream cheese lemon roll.