Quelle Horreur: I Almost Inserted A Moldy Tampon

It was a close call. Thank fuck I’m nosy.
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It was a close call. Thank fuck I’m nosy.

Last year, I was mortified when I read about Danielle Parr, the Saginaw, Texas-based blogger who almost unwittingly inserted a moldy tampon. Never once thought in a million years I’d have a similar story to share.

I made the mistake of booking a pampering day at a thermal (natural hot spring water) spa on the 17th, otherwise known as the date that is typically the first day of my monthly cycle. Since I couldn't cancel, I decided to make the most of my scheduling mishap and went ahead and trekked two hours from Central London down to Bath, where I spent the entire day clad in a retro-inspired Norma Kamali one-piece and a plush robe, stopped up with a super plus absorbency poon plug (that I dutifully changed every other hour like clockwork -- I don’t deal well with overflow mistakes).

Anyway, as I opened up tampon #4, I couldn’t believe what I saw:

That dingy brown stripe? That's so NOT supposed to be there!

That dingy brown stripe? That's so NOT supposed to be there!

Granted, it might not look that bad at first glance, but if you’ve been using tampons for 15+ years, you’d instantly know something about this is dead damn wrong.

Because, duh, tampons are supposed to be white, not streaked with an icky taupe-color strip. Also, it reeked -- the smell was akin to a dusty cardboard sandwich. (Don’t ask.)

Lucky for me, I was prepared (as I now travel with no less than 20 emergency tampons as you all know). I promptly pulled out another one that was good to go and got on with it.

But as the evening progressed, I started to get a bit paranoid about it all. I’ve been using that brand of tampons for years. YEARS. What if I wasn’t the kind of girl that obsessively inspects everything that I insert and consume? Or, what if I were using a brand that didn’t present itself in a transparent applicator? If it weren’t for my eagle eyes and bloodhound nose, I might have overlooked the mold altogether!

And what if I’d been drunk and gone ahead and inserted it? What would have happened to my vajayjay? Would I have brought a raging incurable yeast infection upon myself?

I’m this close to breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Sheldon Cooper feels me.

Sheldon Cooper feels me.

I’m just glad that I’m fully aware that that this is more common than one might think; moving forward (for the next 20-odd something years until I’m blessed with menopause), I’ll be damn sure to look before I plug up my leak.

And sniff! I’ll huff each and every one of my tampons, too. Mold has a distinct, stuffy smell that you can’t possibly miss. FYI: If it has a funky, pungent scent, I’ll toss that bitch with the quickness -- and you should, too. (Unless you want to snap a picture and sue. Should I? You know, for stress-related anxiety. I mean, I couldn't really even relax during my underwater massage!)

Oh, and COME ON DOWN, DivaCup-pers and MoonCup-pers. I know y’all are itching to start singing their praises!

Catch the kid over on Twitter: @IndiaJewelJax.