Why My Husband's Boner Pills Are A Sexy Compliment

My husband pops it. 'Cuz I'm worth it.

Nov 14, 2011 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

After my husband and I had dated and lived together for a couple of years (I like to move in instantly so I can date someone 24 hours a day), I became a notorious sock-stealer. He has a variety of those low ankle-sport socks that are clearly too small for him and he never wears them, so they are ripe for the swiping.

Some random morning, I dug a little deeper in the back of Mike’s sock drawer to find the ones that actually fit sort of well, and came across something hard stuffed into a winter-weight black sock. I yanked the contraband out without reflecting on what the object may be, or if it was personal, or not for my eyes.

In my hand was a generous prescription bottle of Cialis of which I had zero previous knowledge.

 Half telling on myself, and half, I don’t know, ratting him out, I held the bottle straight out to Mike and said, “I found this bottle of Cialis looking for socks in your sock drawer.”

He started flubbering, “Those are old…look at the date…I don’t use them…I only used them a few times…I almost never used them with you… crzzzzzzzzzzwhitenoise.”

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While it surprised me to find the pills, I wasn’t mad or judgmental. I did experience that split-second weirdness when he was saying he rarely used them with me when I thought, “With who then, you sex party freak, career-naked-lady-writer??” Yeah, OK, so that’s judgment. It was fleeting.

 Pushing for details of when he might have taken them with me, I got a long (hot) tale of him being nervous before we first became sexually involved and not wanting to have any physical performance issues, wanting to impress me; neurotic and vulnerable stuff that made me want to do filthy, natural things on his privates all over again.

And whatever he did back then, I practically found Buddha that first time (through fifth time, Cialis ain’t no joke) and recalled to a friend right after that I felt like Alice when she drink me’d that tiny bottle; things took on otherworldly proportions.

Sorry, mother-in-law, cousins, shrinks, and grossed-out friends and possibly co-workers.

Consider the numbers for a moment. Mike’s a workaholic in his early 40s who takes blood pressure meds daily, as well as other prescriptions that can have some legendarily renowned sexual side effects.  Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, et al, were invented for, and regularly prescribed to, men in just this predicament.

But even so, Mike was embarrassed by my discovery of his secret weapon. He explained that as a dude, even a 40-something dude on meds, you want your partner(s) to think you can get high school-hard all night long, naturally, forever.

I get that. I can also understand if some people take it personally when a partner requires extra help readying his euphemism for insertion here. But I’m not in that group.

Cialis, in my experience, is sexy and a compliment, and my reasoning is twofold.

The first and perhaps most shallow reason I am flattered is that erection pills are expensive.

You want this, and it’s good, so you’ll pay. Every time. I’m worth the best sushi, real jewelry, a hotel rated above two stars, full-price movies and $30 per admission to the Tunnel of Love.

 Again, apologies to the aforementioned list of relatives and other innocents.

 But seriously, $30 a pill.

Mike doesn’t bat an eye at spending the money, and my thriftiness insures extra bangs for our bucks and a longer lifespan, according the Oprah’s shock-doc, Mehmet Oz, m.d.

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The second part of my thesis that “Viagra is a compliment to accept and say thank you for” is that its use can be a downright loving gesture and declaration that a penis at its greatest enhanced potential is but a humble gift for someone as astonishingly radiant as myself. Nothing but the most turgid and business-minded for me.

No, sex is not the most important thing in a relationship and its value will vary from person to person, but also in my experience, a healthy sex life is a vital part of my marriage. I think my husband is more of a man for being pro-active about his health.

There is no shame or failure in taking medication as prescribed to assist your sexual function. Or mental function, hormonal function, kidney function…whatever. Better living through chemistry.

Sincerest thanks, Viagra. You are sooooo good-looking.

Me: rachel@xoJane.com, @RachelMcPadden on Twitter.