PAGING DR. AWESOME: The Tylenol-Infused, Tingly, Smells-Like-Toothpaste WunderBalm That You Can Slather All Over Your Sex Bruises (Or Just Your Achy Writing Shoulders)

PLUS: have you dressed up like Buffalo Bill and vamped in front of a full-length mirror today? Get to it!

Aug 10, 2011 at 12:07pm | Leave a comment

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SOOOO, hi people. Guess where I am! At my grandma Mimi’s house in Charlottesville, Virginia, writing at some weird kebob restaurant where I just gorged on falafel and now want to puke on myself. But I don’t know why I felt compelled to tell you that.

Guess where else I am? Hunched over a goddamn laptop like in the photo above, which was taken by a friend at like 5:45 am with a dude passed out next to me when I mostly do my writing! BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS HUNCHED OVER A FRIGGIN' LAPTOP!

(Well, maybe like three hours a day before I go to all my nightclubs and galleries and fashion shows and downtown dinners and Britney Spears concerts and bonfire parties and things. Cue the violins.)

Yes, I am a writer, and a writer for online, which means that I hold all of my tension in between my shoulders . And since I have hideous intimacy problems, I squirm away from anyone who has ever tried to rub me! Stupid, I am, I am.

BUT. So last night I was poking around PER usual in my grandma’s dressing room. I have been doing this foolishness since I was little, because she’s got all sorts of fantastic silk kimonos, diamond rings, dangly earrings, turbans and bright red lipsticks and things. I like to dress myself up and vamp in the mirror not unlike Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs.”

(Sometimes I even do the “Would you f*&k me? I’d f&8k me!” scene, and let me tell you – doing so it feels pretty good! Saying that to your reflection in the mirror, not … actually f*&king yourself.) (Shut UP Cat, good GOD.)

ANYWAY, while I was in there piling on the Merle Norman eyeshadow and things, I noticed a tube of the cool product above. It’s called Tylenol Extra Strength Precise Pain Relieving Cream. Cool, huh?:

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“SOMETHING THAT’S USUALLY PILLS, NOW IN THE FORM OF A TOPICAL BEAUTY-ESQUE PRODUCT?!”, I shrieked inside my own withered little ex-pill junkie brain the second I saw it. “GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME [MORE]!” (As I said, I just went to the Britney Spears concert.)

So I slipped the bottle right into the sleeve of my grandmother’s vintage Liberty print muumuu or whatever the hell it was I was clowning around in and snuck it like one might smuggle Bolivian cocaine over a border somewhere -- back into MY quarters of her house, even though it was totally unnecessary to sneak because she is approximately nine trillion years old.

Then I put it on, rubbing it onto my bony yet still always sorta-achy back and shoulders. DUDES, I LOVE THIS STUFF.

YES. It smells like minty toothpaste, but isn’t that good because it makes people think of making out with you with loads of tongue? Think Vicks VapoRub mixed with toothpaste, and that’s the smell.

But who even cares about the smell when the best part in the INSANELY good way that it feels? My whole back felt burning up (in a GREAT way) and yet strangely numb at the same time. What the hell?

Obviously I instantly became addicted. And I don’t even really know what it was doing to me! Can I overdose on this stuff like real Tylenol? Because knowing me I will. Just kidding! HA HA HA; not funny.

OK, the facts, which I am oh-so-responsibly reporting from the back of the bottle (if you want a REAL journalist, go read a boring newspaper or something, honeybunnies): this stuff’s got 10 percent menthol, like a delicious, say, Newport cigarette, and then 30 percent methyl salicylate. Who cares what that is. Here, I linked to my Googling of it! Have a blast.

What it really is meant to do is soothe muscle pain, aches, bruises, etc. Which means it’s also great for SEX BRUISES. Or rubbing them all over a man (or woman – heh heh, but more on THAT someday after my grandma isn’t on this earth to hear about it from some nosy neighbor who knows how to read the World Wide Web).

Yes, this is the kind of product I want to rub all over someone post-coitus, and again, that’s truly saying something because I generally want said sexual partners to, not unlike the aforementioned Vick’s VapoRub, f-ing vaporize, right there in bed next to me. (It’s like …you’ve got your OWN apartment, MANG -- go to it! You know?!)

Anyway, does anyone else have intimacy issues? Enjoy medicinal balms? Holla!