WHICH XOJANE.COM STAFFER HAD SEX IN A DOGHOUSE? Oh, And All That Oral You’re Giving Is Totally Gonna Give You Cancer.

PLUS: There’s a lip balm for that. Obviously.

Jul 8, 2011 at 10:02am | Leave a comment

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Hi! So I’m gonna spare you the details of my oral sex life, but let’s just say that -– well, while not wildly promiscuous or anything, I’ve definitely had my sexy days. And nights. And daybreaks. With a bunch of different people! Sometimes in public.

And once ... in a doghouse!

Yup, it’s true. I’ll explain in a second.

First, though, can I just say that this is what happens when I sit down to write about cancer, one of my least favorite subjects (SORRY; I’m just being honest; it IS)? There's a health post buried in here. But I start writing about doghouse sex instead.

But you know what? It’s better that way. I’m no Doogie Howser, let’s put it that way. I’m not even Keanu Reeves when he played a doctor in that Diane Keaton movie. (Or actually, maybe that’s EXACTLY I am: the Keanu Reeves of health editors.)

ANYWAY.

FACT: NO, of course I never actually had sex in a doghouse. I was lying. But wouldn’t it make a good article?

“I Had Sex In A Doghouse” sounds, really, like the title of a really amazing essay in COSMOPOLITAN, aka my favorite magazine to read when I’m in the mood to get my sexy lunatic steez on and seduce a man in extraordinarily terrifying ways.

Yes, terrifying! For him! Sure, the articles SEEM sexually fluffy enough, but dudes, read between the lines! FEMALE ORAL PREDATORS: They are real, and they’re all on staff at Cosmo. Trust.

One of my all-time Cosmo favorites, which I can’t actually find on the web right now: imagine you and your man are jogging on a path. You’re supposed make him stop so you can (pretend to) tie your shoe, and then -- SURPRISE! -- while you’re kneeling down like that, all but foaming at the mouth, you lustily whip his dick out and go to town before he can even be all, “DUDE, we’re jogging!” 

(OPTIONAL: Then you take your horrified man home and beat him with a spatula until he cries. That was another Cosmo tip. Well, not the crying part, but whatever.)

But OK, this article was supposed to be about this press release I got that’s all, “Giving oral sex will give YOU cancer.” Something about HPV of the mouth, which ranks somewhere between oral herpes and syphillis of the throat on the xojane.com Scale of Scandalously Sexy STDs.

BUT -- it’s not gonna be about that anymore, because anyone who like to go down as many of us do doesn’t care about a little mouth cancer study.

Now this article is about this beauty product type-thing I’ve admired for a long time on the Hustler Hollywood website: it’s called Hard-On Lip Moisturizer, and it’s an “erotic” Chapstick of sorts, designed “to make a sensational act more sensational.” How so? Ask Jeeves about it babes. I'm done here. All I know is that whatever company makes this product should def send a carton of them to Cosmo HQ. 

So: any wild oral stories? Let’s get sexy. Just yell at me; I’m so weird; I know I know I know.