Let me paint a picture for you. Every night I crawl into bed; I scooch up next to my boyfriend and ready myself to grab whatever minimal hours of sleep I can. Just as I get all warm and comfortable, I hear:
“JESUS CHRIST, TYNAN. YOUR FEET ARE SO COLD.”
“OH, MY GOD, SO ARE YOUR HANDS! STICK THOSE UNDER YOUR ARMPITS TO WARM THEM UP OR SOMETHING.”
“Oh, my god, I can’t believe you just said ‘armpits.'”
By this point, he has clamored over to the top right corner of the bed, rocking back and forth in the fetal position trying to recover from the shock of my supposed “cold hands.”
“Seriously Tynan, I cannot sleep next to you if you’re that freezing cold.”
“OH, REALLY? BECAUSE I KNOW A HUNDRED GUYS WHO WOULD LOVE TO SLEEP NEXT TO ME NO MATTER WHAT MY BODY TEMPERATURE IS,” I delusionally howl back.
This happens every night. And I feel bad, I do! But what’s a guy to do? I’m just a cold dude! My hands and feet, like my heart, are ice cold. Do you think the Eskimos up in, like, Alaska tell their boyfriends to warm themselves up before they come to bed? Doubtful.
Anyway. Due to his INCESSANT BITCHING, I did start to take notice of just how cold my limbs are most of the time. A few years ago, my doctor told me that I’m anemic (glam) and I try to remember to take vitamins and supplements to make sure I don’t wither away, but frankly I’m better at forgetting to take them.
My dude clued me into the fact that, since I’m anemic, poor circulation is probably to blame for my limbs to be so cold all the time. He suggested that I start taking iron supplements, because that apparently is supposed to aid in improving circulation? I mean, I don’t know how any of that works. I ignored him.
A few weeks ago, he came back to our apartment and called up the stairs, telling me that he brought me something home!
YAY, I thought to myself, probably a three-pound bag of gummy worms like last time!
When I got downstairs, what did I find? Not candy or flowers or a sack of diamonds, no. A bottle of iron supplements.
“I’M NOT JUST GOING TO TAKE THOSE. I’M NOT JUST GOING TO PUT THAT SHIT IN MY BODY.” I stubbornly exclaimed, hands flailing, as he calmly tried to explain that he thought they would help me.
So, long story short, I’m taking iron pills now. But I am taking them in secret, because god forbid he be right about anything.
These are what I’m taking.
But to my credit, I started to wonder what else I could do to combat my iron deficiency and improve circulation to my limbs. I spent a couple days consulting a very reliable source (the Internet) and here are some solutions I have come up with, and how I have put them into practice.
Smoking damages the smooth, Teflon-like protective layer of the inside of your blood vessels that allows the blood to flow smoothly. Without this, plaque (ew, sorry) builds up and constricts blood flow. Smoking also hardens your arteries, which is mad gross.
Listen, I’m not trying to advocate “healthy living” and I’m the first person to admit that I think smoking does look kind of cool, because I am an impressionable, rebellious tween, but just don’t do it. Jesus Christ.
Eat Spicy Foods
Don’t have to tell me twice! This one is kind of a no-brainer, but it’s easy so I’m including it. If spicy isn’t your thing, start off by mixing a little cayenne pepper into your fruit juice. This will stimulate blood flow just enough that if you do it on the daily, you should see some improvement. I know cayenne in your morning juice kind of sounds gross, and it probably is, so let’s just go out for hot wings instead, K?
Drink This Weird Kale, Carrot, and Ginger Juice
What is more chic than drinking a green juice? Especially one that you juiced yourself and ESPECIALLY if it will improve your blood flow and will make your boyfriend shut up?
This little cocktail is filled with fruits and vegetables that are high in antioxidants, which neutralize vein damage as well as stimulating circulation. It sounds unique, but it actually tastes good, I promise.
So grab your juicer and cram in the following things:
- 1 apple (There are like six thousand kinds of apples but I’d recommend using something sweet to balance out how tart it’s about to get.)
- Some pineapple (A half-cup? YOU DECIDE! This is purely for taste because I am obsessed with pineapple.)
- 1 lemon
- 1 orange
- 6 kale leaves
- 1 inch of ginger root.
Don’t get freaked out by the kale, it does make the juice crazy green but it’s really good! At first sip, you’ll think, “Whoa, I am definitely drinking green juice!” because of how GREEN the kale makes it taste. Two or three sips in, it gets balanced out by the sweetness of the apple and orange, and the intensity of the ginger helps balance out the sourness of the lemon. It’s great!
Other fruits that are great for circulation are grapefruit and all your favorite berries: blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, anything you’d throw on frozen yogurt. Oooh, who wants froyo?! That’s my new excuse for frozen yogurt, promoting my circulation. Yeah, that’s it.
Another boring one, but it gets your blood pumping. I hate cardio and I avoid it at all costs, but it looks like I’m going to be hitting the treadmill for a couple of minutes every time I’m at the gym. Ugh.
Force Your Boyfriend To Give You Massages
Hey, he asked for it. But really, the first remedy for bad circulation is massages. I read it everywhere! Massages increase blood flow and skin temperature to local regions, so you should be forcing/demanding your significant other to massage you anywhere and everywhere that you see fit. It’s for your health, damn it!
I give myself arm rubs all the time, so I guess you could just rub yourself and have it feel just as good (skirting around a masturbation joke here, too easy).
Oh, related: I’m also taking zinc and putting Jane’s Glowy Skin Secret to good use because I have to look BOMB for some secret thing I have going on this weekend! And only now, after rereading it, do I see that she said, “Take some iron and some vitamin C, because you may become iron-deficient from the zinc.” GAH. I didn’t cancel out all of the iron I’ve been taking with the zinc, did I? Whatever, if my skin glows, it’s pretty worth it.
Do you guys have any tips for iron deficiency that I should know about? You guys are so smart, I want to know all your secrets. Does your main squeeze get on you about taking good care of yourself? Would you ever start doing something new to placate them? What kind of vitamins and supplements do y’all take, and for what?
Tynan is deficient on Twitter: @TynanBuck.