What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
Here's something disgusting I haven't shared about myself before: I have a yeast infection right now. [Me too! I knew we shouldn't have rubbed our vaginas together! xo --Jane] And that's it! Short of actually showing you a photograph of my butthole, I don't think there's anything left for me to overshare about. It's been REAL, bitches! I'm dropping the mic.
But since I started, my yeast infection: It popped up like clockwork the moment an antibiotic passed my lips, and I dealt with it in the manner that I always do: by buying a one-day dose of Monistat. And I pondered, as I often have, why anyone would choose the 7-day dose. Is it because it's cheaper? If so, subjecting poor people to 7-Day Monistat is fucking abomination, and I'll definitely start voting when this and other real issues I care about are on the ballot.
When I started asking questions about this important manner, I found out a lot of interesting things. Like, a lot of people were sort of horrified that I use Monistat at all. One person who told me to try garlic cloves or probiotic pill suppositories, because they work better than "harsh chemicals." But like, I love chemicals. If I were to find an unidentified pill on the floor right now, my first instinct would still be to swallow it. A delightful combination of chemicals is what stands between me and bursting into tears every time someone in front of me boards the train and then just stops. (As a side note, I love those people who won't take aspirin for a headache or ingest processed sugar, but think nothing of snorting a flagon's worth of cocaine every Friday night. Natural!)
So, whatever, I shoot a ball of chemicals up my vag and it fixes my cheese crotch, The End.
I also found out that I must have a robust and hearty vagina, because apparently most people find Monistat very painful? I had no idea! My vag is all like, "YAWN. Wake me when we're fisting."
Anyway, let's talk yeast infections. How do you deal with them? Can you give me any real reason to change my ways? Shit's worked for me so far. I also ingest heaps of aspartame, but that's a post for another time.