I POOPED MYSELF, OKAY?
I'm sorry to just toss it out there like that, but if I don't just tell you then I'm going to lose my nerve to share this particular story with the world. This morning when it happened, I was not considering sharing it with the whole Internet. I was, in fact, considering in what manner I could most cleanly and quickly cease to exist so as never to face the shame of having become a person who has pooped myself. And yet here I am, writing about it, after mentally imagining the individual reactions of each man who may have once found me attractive. I guess I am just called to humiliate myself for the enjoyment of others, like a nun in the order of oversharing.
So. Pooping myself.
I'm a veteran of peeing myself. I was a long-time bedwetter (bigs up to my sisters!) and then, you know, a drunk. But I have never, ever in my whole life experienced what I did this morning, which is that I actually just pooped a little in my boyshorts while playing on the floor with the baby. I guess I was trying to fart (for some reason admitting that I fart seems so much worse than admitting that I pooped myself), but I had started my period this morning, and the bathroom had been occupied for a long time and. You know. YOU KNOW WHAT I DID.
I had to fully march into the bathroom and ask my partner to please halt his morning business and allow me to enter said bathroom, DO NOT ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS, and then I had to carefully remove my panties and wash them out in the sink and, oh, God, there were flecks of things involved and all I could think about was how I was going to preserve my extreme sexual allure in front of my SO, who was now patiently waiting outside the bathroom while I RINSED MY POOP-SOAKED UNDERTHINGS.
I mean, one time a boyfriend walked into the bathroom while I was still in mid-flush and I basically threw my body over the toilet so he wouldn't actually see my poop, but I knew he did a little and I cried. It took me a year to even poop in the same house as my current fiance. It didn't even bother me so much that I had soiled myself, as it did that I had to do it in the presence of the person whose penis I best like making hard.
Of course, he was pretty unfazed.
"That guy does it all the time," he said, gesturing to the baby.
When I got into the office, I called a really important meeting behind closed doors to let the immediate members of the team know what had happened. They were very reassuring.
"God, so many of my friends have pooped themselves recently," pshaa-ed Olivia.
"I peed myself here the other day," Jane volunteered.
"My friend's dad says everybody poops themselves at least once," said Madeline.
If that last one is true, this is truly the time for you to bring up your stories, because I am full to the brim of Coke Zero and shame right now. Are there other women out there who have pooped their pants? ARE THERE? And just because you haven't doesn't mean you never will, you know! I woke up this morning thinking today was just a normal day and now I've crossed over. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
Follow @msemilymccombs on Twitter and please never mention this story there.