Stop Sweating And Get Totally F#%kable Armpits By Summer

If you're a champion perspirer like me, here are a couple tricks I've kept hidden up my disgustingly sodden sleeve.

May 24, 2012 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

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The armpit is like the vagina of the upper body. Let's keep it daisy fresh.

I am the first to admit that I do many, many unladylike things: cuss, enjoy action films, smoke Misty for Him...The list goes on. Fortunately for me, this has been trendy since the turn of the century, according to the movie "Titanic." This is why I feel OK admitting to you that I am a bit of a sweater.

I used to be really self conscious about it, because I thought it would make me sexually unappealing, the worst thing a person can be. But now I think of it as being erotically good at thermoregulation. Besides, I try to have most of my sex in walk-in refrigerators or with men who are all, "Lay totally still and pretend you're a dead body while I play Supertramp and blast the A/C for added realism," so it's a wash.

Eliot's Rx is to stick to climate-controlled buildings and avoid outdoor situations that don't involve being doused with water, but I live in a very old house and am an avid cheap restaurant and clothing boutique enthusiast (why, why, why are dressing rooms always so hot, H&M and your ilk?). So alas, this is a non-option for me.

It's a pretty common problem, so if you're also champion perspirer, here are a couple tricks I've kept hidden up my disgustingly sodden sleeve.

Cool Water
Douse yourself in the cologne of the same name. NO! KIDDING! DON'T. That's not a good idea. But sweaty people know that even an eensy increase in body temperature can make moisture spring to your axillas like arm tears. One way to preempt this is to sip cool water throughout the day to keep your insides chiller than a Mraz show (you can have that one, poetry grad students, it's yours).

My buddy recently introduced me to Prevention magazine's Sassy Water, which could only have a more embarrassing name if it were called Lamerade. But spoiler alert: It's fucking delicious. It will make you look forward to consuming an entire pitcher every day. And yes, before you ask, I am the most boring person alive, thank you for asking.

Tea
This one is best done discreetly, as you will look crazy doing it, but it really works. Choose the flavor of your choice and stick it under your arms, clamp down like a nervous schoolgirl and hold for a few minutes. Any variety is fine, as long as it contains black tea, which contains naturally sweat-reducing tannic acid. The bags sop up any moisture and can take you from smelling like Lipton Soup Mix to, I don't know, chai. This is also my #1 Walk of Shame tip: Carry some of those sealed Tazo things in your bag and they will soak up your whiskey sweats and sex BO. It's like a whore's bath, but for a very proper British whore.

Nightoderant
Once again, I live alone and am free to indulge in a variety of weird behaviors like wearing a coffee filter as a hat and pretending I'm Julie Andrews. To that end, I do a swipe before bed, and it makes an appreciable difference. CertainDri can irritate and I've found that in terms of effectiveness, Mitchum roll-on is pretty good. But, as there is a rumored shortage of perfect breasts in the world and it would be a shame to destroy mine with cancer, I try not to use aluminum-based antiperspirants. A good rule of thumb for finding stuff that isn't full of toxins is, "Hey, what would a really high strung pregnant lady use?" Try DeodoMom (I know, but still) or Tom's of Maine Crystal Confidence.

Scrubs
Counterintruitively, some excess sweating can happen because your glands are blocked. I don't understand it either but that's the science. Besides, it makes your pits extra smooth, in case you are in prison and want do that thing where you pretend an armpit is a vagina. Shout out to all my XOJane incarcerated readers.

You know what are great? BufPuf pads. They're also awesome for your face or getting rid of scars and are generally awesome to have on hand for your hot sloughing  needs. Finish by hanging out the passenger side of your best friend's ride (airs out the pits).

Plants
Do not listen to M. Night Shyamalan. Plants are here to help us. Specifically, tea tree oil and lavender. I like the roll-on kind of tea tree oil (don't go nuts, here, a little bit goes a long way) and lavender wipes, which you can actually keep in your fridge for a cooling effect if, once again, you are insane and alone. These both have the dual effect of decreasing sweat and naturally scenting your pits.

Wax
Don't go all anti-hair removal squad on me here. The ancient Egyptians actually removed pit hair for the purpose of smelling nice and sweating less. Accuse me of removing the hair from my underarms so some pornography-brainwashed dude wants to fuck it all you like, but I just prefer a clean underarm.

Waxing makes you super smooth and for me, seems to decrease the amount I perspire. It's usually really cheap, too, and keeps you from getting razor bumps or burns. Just be careful if you are like me and are very ticklish because you may nearly punch your technician in the face when she spreads hot wax over your giggly bits. Again, not for everybody, but it works for me.

Do you guys have a piece of advice that I missed? Please share it. Let us service each other with journalism.