GET IT TOGETHER, GIRLS: Every Pharmacy in New York is Out of Plan B! Every ONE!

Yeah, I don't want to go on the Pill or wear condoms either, but it's like ... come ON.

Oct 11, 2011 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

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OK, so for the exactly three women left in this world, apparently, who don't know what Plan B is, it is sort of the world's greatest contraceptive. I'm about to piss a whole lot of people off about various things, I'm sure, so let's just prepare ourselves.

What Plan B does: Zap that sucker at the source! No, I don't actually think there is a "sucker." I would not talk in such a ... glib tone about abortion, which I believe, yes, is murder -- "the extermination of the powerless by the powerful," as my #1 bitch hero Camille Paglia would say, and you can be as liberal as you want but there are biological facts to acknowledge. Yet it's a murder within the confines of MY biological body, not in the governed-by-society rules, and thus I have the right to murder it. Just like I have the right to kill myself!

(Which, no, I'm not going to do. Trust me, I have no idea how [short of drugs, and THAT I find pathetic]. And I was reading David Foster Wallace over the weekend and he hung himself and I'm all, how DO these creative writer types know how to make nooses? Could you make a noose? I don't think I could make even one nautical knot, and thinking about those things makes me curious and cheerful. So anyway, that was just an UPLIFTING Tuesday aside, and you're welcome for it!)

But back to Plan B!

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Plan B is a pill you can take within 72 hours of having sex and stupidly letting your man ejaculate inside of you. Why are we still doing this? Maybe you're not. But I AM. WHY, CAT, WHY? You are SO DUMB. There are so many other options. Such as:

1) Letting the man come somewhere besides where it will get me pregnant. Which is always (vaguely) fun. SO, why not? Because I always instruct someone to do it the dangerous way. FYI, this will be the first and last time I discuss my sex life on this website. It's just not my thing; I just can't do it. I'm doing it only because this is a birth control issue.

2) Birth control pills. NO. They will make me fat; they will make me "spot" (another thing I squeamishly just DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT; don't worry, though, everyone else who works here does); they will give me acne; and quite frankly, they will NOT prevent me from getting pregnant! I know this because IT HAPPENED TO ME.

No, I didn't take my pills right; I forget things like this unless they are FUN pills, or what I BELIEVE, delusionally, to be a "fun" pill at the time; anyway, the point is, unless a pill gets me speedy or doped up as all hell I will NOT remember to take it, and then I will get pregnant! I JUST WILL. (IHTM™.)

3) The Depo-Provera Shot. Uh-huh. Same concept as the pills, if you get my drift. Egads, but it's true.

4) Condoms. Nope! As if. I don't know. I don't sleep with that many people and so I just don't do condoms! ARG I HATE TALKING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE; LET'S END THIS.

5) Abortion. This shouldn't even be on the list though obviously I've had them. Abortions are not birth control and I hate them! I'm OBVIOUSLY pro-choice but I think they are terrible and wrong and I hate having them. And I mean terrible for everyone involved. It breaks my heart all around.

6) A diaphragm. Ooh! The wild card! I had one of these in college, and by college I mean the year I was 18 and living in Soho and going to "acting school" and blowing my trust fund on cocaine and champagne at all of the best clubs. Anyway, I lugged around a diaphragm with me in a little case and would OCCASIONALLY use it. I was very slutty back then and never got preg, so I guess it worked. Amazingly I did not get herpes, though. Or anything else!

SO. That leaves us with Plan B. I don't even want to describe how Plan B works, mainly because I'm too lazy to look it up. Here, analyze this, um, diagram:

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THIS IS TOO, TOO TERRIFYING AND I REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND IT. Just know this:

“Plan B” is the trade name for a morning-after pill made by Barr Pharmaceuticals. The manufacturer claims that it will prevent conception, even when taken up to 72 hours after the arrival of sperm in the female reproductive system (with a claimed success rate of 75–89 percent). The Plan B pill contains essentially the same powerful hormone (a progestin) used in commonly available birth control pills, only in a much stronger dosage.

AND you can get it WITHOUT a prescription, for like $50, at any pharmacy. So it's genius.

But WOMEN. We are clearly abusing it. OK, at least I am. Once I took it three times in one month! And that is seriously extreme; I know; I know. So besides that horrible month -- I was f*&king around with someone REALLY sexy; what can I say -- I'd say that I take it once every, like two months, and OMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WRITING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE. I meant to be writing all of this to condemn all of YOU.

Funny how things work out.

OK, my point is, I'm sleeping with someone new now and I'm going to be better about not letting anything happen. Women of New York City and the world: resolve to step up. Fifty bucks is fifty bucks -- that's practically a new fall fragrance! We should all stop letting dudes come inside of us and take some responsibility because I am feeling increasingly guilty about being an AVID participant in an abortion-friendly culture. Attack me in the comments section -- GO.

Follow Cat at @cat_marnell on Twitter.