Cystitis: A Tragedy

It feels like my faff has become a selection of kitchen knives, and they're all jangling around making me wee and massacring my insides.
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Publish date:
January 14, 2013
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stevie martin, Cystitis

Yesterday Stevie Martin was struck with a severe case of cystitis, leaving onlookers confused over her constant trips to the loo and refusal to discontinue drinking water.

“We wondered why the incontinent new girl kept drinking water when she clearly had a microbladder,” thought one colleague who was slightly attractive, “and she seemed to have a strange habit of consistently jiggling both legs while typing.”

The problem arose at around 2pm when Martin felt the first signs of something amiss. Having misplaced her bankcard and in need of a Boots trip, she made her way to get cash out while being caught on various CCTV cameras calling slow pedestrians, parked cars and her own bladder “shitbastards”.

Having secured cash and necessary powdered supplements from Boots, Martin returned to the office and retired to the loo for her entire lunchbreak while important people kept coming in and out wondering why the cubicle was always occupied.

“It was like my faff had become a selection of kitchen knives,” said Martin to her friend (we tapped her phone, obviously. DATED TOPICAL REFERENCE), “and they were all jangling around making me wee and massacring my insides.”

Onlookers described the scene as “upsetting” and “weird”, with Martin’s expression reportedly becoming “more glazed by the minute” and behaviour “increasingly orientated towards drinking water”.

Martin has a history of erratic behaviour, having already been cautioned for stealing, inappropriate use of food and trespassing. She’s also had similar experiences over the last three years and yet insists on not following the proper prevention techniques, preferring instead to wait until the pain hits before googling cures at 3am through wincing pain, emitting more “shitbastard”s.

Though having now subsided, the attack continued for two days and began on Martin’s first day of her new job. The toilet is situated at the other end of the office to her desk, leaving Martin no choice but to walk past everyone every ten minutes.

Currently, Martin reports she still feels “f*cking terrified at the thought of weeing while having to paradoxically wee loads because that’s the only way to get rid of it” but agrees that the worst is over.

Yes, we can all google “cystitis cures” and, in doing so, we can all figure out that there really isn’t one. It’s often a case of trying to keep things as painless as possible (e.g. f*cking painful as opposed to SOMEONE TAKE MY VAGINA. TAKE IT. I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE) with weird “cranberry” flavoured sachets emptied into water while your bladder flushes the infection out.

This means that not only does weeing feel a bit like dying, but you have no choice but to make yourself wee as much as possible in order to, in the longterm, stop the pain. As far as I can tell.

This is why cystitis is so terrible; the moment you feel that it’s about to happen, no matter how much water you drink (I was on about a litre every half hour from 2pm onwards, which just about kept it from full on horror) the Cystitis Countdown has begun and you’re powerless.

Sometimes you have to email your editor and tell them you have it so they don’t think you’re just someone who bloody loves toilets.

I’m currently still waiting for that moment. You know the one. The second where you pee once more with gay abandon, as free as a woman running across a meadow while peeing with gay abandon. Whether it’s after an hour, two hours or three days, it’s probably the best feeling in the universe. But so not worth it.

NB If you have it for over 48 hours, by the way, you can go to the doctors and get antibiotics which clears the whole thing up immediately - but this doesn’t happen very often. Usually you just have to ride it out.

Ladies. Let’s help each other. Any miracle cystitis pain relief methods? Old wives tales? Tips? Hints? LET’S MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. A few people commented recently on the subject and I thought I’d open it out further.

Stevie is tweeting between weeing at @5tevieM.