Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Let me set the scene for you all. I’m 18 years old, I just moved to a city 40 times the size of my home town and I’m sitting eagerly on my dorm room bed waiting to meet my roommate, Chloe (not her real name). She was supposedly from Hawaii, 18 years old herself, and she looked really friendly according to her Facebook picture. She walked in, and seemed really nice, but boy, was I in for a surprise.
11 feet wide by 13 feet long. That’s how small our dorm room was. We each had our own bed, desk, desk chair and closet, but we shared just about everything else from the tiny vanity to the mini-fridge. It was a tight fit, to say the least.
Here are a few short tales of my two semesters living with Chloe.
Dirty Dishes and Everything Malicious
One Sunday afternoon after visiting my hometown, I came back to my dorm room to find a strange girl sleeping in my bed (who upon waking up, did not speak a lick of English).
My panties were taken out of my dresser drawer and onto the vanity we shared. My books (which were once carefully placed on my shelf) were strewn across the floor. My closet door was wide open with the food (Ramen, Easy Mac, Chips, etc.) I kept in there all gone. My make-up was taken out of my make-up organizers with the lids and caps taken off (and never to be seen again). The only two bowls I owned were crusted with mac ‘n’ cheese sauce and Chloe was suspiciously nowhere to be found.
So I left.
I texted Chloe and scolded her for the mess she made.
She replied, “Oh sorry, Becky (I don’t actually remember her name) really needed somewhere to crash last night. Sorry about the mess.”
She later apologized in person, cleaned up the mess and said she would replace the food she ate. She never did buy me more food, but maybe it was the thought that counts.
We never did discuss why she was perusing my underwear drawer though. Shiver.
Mas Queso, Por Favor
On one fine day, I impulse-purchased some delicious queso. When I walked into our shared dorm room after the purchase, Chloe asked “Oh, did you buy food?” with a not-so-subtle hint of excitement in her voice.
Of course, my immediate response was a “Yes I did,” and didn’t think any more of it. The next day, I had to go to a meeting and right before I walked out the door, Chloe asked if she could have some.
“Sure,” I said. “But leave me some.” I’m pretty sure she didn’t even hear any of the words coming out of my mouth after she heard me say yes, and that’s when I realized I probably wasn’t going to get any queso.
Half an hour later, my meeting was over. I opened the door and saw Chloe, her face stuffed with chips from my closet and queso running down the side of her face. “Your class is already over?” she asked with a mouthful of my food.
I didn’t answer, but I closely watched as she put the lid back on the queso jar and slide it in our mini-fridge, not thinking I would check to see how much was left. I opened the fridge door and immediately wanted to cry.
My queso was almost all gone; I had just enough queso to put on a tiny, broken chip, which was the biggest chip left in the bag. That was the day I learned buying jars of queso was about the same as flushing money down the toilet when you live with the devil in an 11’ x 13’ room.
The Whole Naked Truth
Have you ever seen that episode of The Office where Pam Beasley knocks on Michael Scott’s office door and Michael says, “Come in!” and it turns out, he’s not wearing any pants? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about and you probably know what I’m getting at.
After a long, brutal day of classes, I begrudgingly walk up the stairs to my dorm room and begin unlocking the door. I open the door and there’s Chloe, all unclothed in her nakedness. She immediately ran (a whole two steps, because did I mention our room was tiny?) into her closet.
Now, her hair wasn’t wet so that means she hadn’t just been showering. What the hell was she doing in our shared living space naked? I thankfully never got to find out, because I booked it right on out of there.
“Nope, nope, nope,” is all my brain could think.
Why the hell she didn’t say something as I walked in is beyond me.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. Why didn’t you just move out? And the answer is, because there was nowhere else to go. All of the rooms in that building were full and if I wanted to live anywhere else, I couldn’t get any of my money back. I did survive though, as this was three-and-a-half years ago.
That’s right, I graduate next month, no thanks to Chloe.