So as I sit here and obsessively pick my ugly, peeling, bloody eczema-laden palms, I wonder: Does anybody else out there do foul vile repugnant out-of-control things to themselves on a weekly/daily/hourly basis? I mean, I KNOW they do. They must. I can't be alone in this insanity. Please don't tell me I'm alone in this insanity! But I wonder WHAT ick habits everyone else regularly partakes in. I can't help but assume they're less nasty than mine. (I love how we always think we're THE ABSOLUTE WORST. Like, god-sooooo-much-grosser than anyone else out there, EVER ever. Because OBVIOUSLY I'm a special snowflake! And hi, I'm also crazy self-centered.)
Anyway, here are a few ideas for what I suspect other people might be doing with their free time when we're not looking:
- Peeing in the shower (possibly unpopular opinion: I don't understand why people are skeeved out by this; the pee gets immediately washed away, it's not like you're bathing in it or something. Help, can anyone explain?).
- Relentlessly picking and popping their zits.
- Relentlessly picking and popping other people's zits. (OK fine, I might have done this one here and there for boyfriends and best friends, but touching someone else's acne actually does manage to gross me out. Just a tad.)
- Picking their nose and wiping it on the wall (did you guys do that as a kid? I remember one of my zillions of childhood BFFs doing that CONSTANTLY, pretty much anytime she was lying on her bed. Which was all the time. Nose-pickin' like it was her JOB or something. Fun times, people).
- Belching the alphabet (guilty as charged; growing up, I was a voracious and unrepentant belcher).
- Predicting the date, hour, and minute of their exes' forthcoming deaths (um...)
- Stalking their exes online (why heavens no, I'd never dream of doing this)
OK, I'll go first and give you a brief rundown of some of my bad habits (the ones I feel remotely comfortable discussing in a public forum, at least). I compulsively pick my hands, like I mentioned above; I'll pick pretty much anything scabby or peely or remotely ripe for pickin.' YUMMY. Others include brushing my teeth in the shower, never changing the brush head on my electric toothbrush, failing to clean my house/wipe down counters/wash the floor, abstaining from flossing anytime I feel lazy (which is all the time, obvs, for ever and ever), lying to cover my ass whenever and however necessary, assuming everyone hates me and is silently judging my every move and whisper, judging other people based on stupid shit like their clothes or their hair or their small-talk skills, refusing to internalize compliments or positive feedback, being pessimistic to the point of fatalism, isolating myself from others when I feel vulnerable or scared…
You get the idea. Now what are your worst habits? Gross or non? Please tell us all about them in the comments! We're here for you.
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