There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to ask herself an all-important question: Am I a dog person, or a cat person?
I am undoubtedly a cat person. They are cold, distant bitches who occasionally let you curl up to them and cuddle. This pleases me deeply. Why would I want to hang around with a being that really and truly wants me there? (Enter therapist, wielding Prozac.)
However, cosmic forces and also my vagina have aligned to make me spend a lot of time with a human who is allergic to cats and who, moreover, believes the average domestic housecat dreams of eating people. Thus has it become apparent that my next pet creature shall be a dog.
Current proposed nomenclature is as follows:
1. Khalessi (if it's a girl)
2. Tyrion (if it's a boy)
3. Dragonbaby (if it's so cute I want to eat it)
I am also open to the idea of getting the dog, putting his/her photo up on xoJane, and demanding that you people name him/her for me.
I will be adopting said dog, because there are too many poor widdle animals out on the streets and in the murder shelters, and I can't in good conscience drop dough on a breeder when somebody needs me to save his life.
But I suppose the truly vital question is this: what kind of dog should I get?
First, a few things about the hypothetical dog's very real living situation. The dog will dwell with two humans somewhere in the city of Los Angeles. There may or may not be a yard. There may or may not be a nearby dog park. I work from home, so the dog will get more attention than he or she would with a normal person – and, presumably, more walks.
I do not want a breed that sheds a lot. I do not want a breed that has inherent problems like fragile legs (leaving out my favorite breed, the Italian greyhound) or breathing problems (goodbye, pugs.) I would prefer that it not be shaky all the time, like those little dogs (you know the ones), because I find it disturbing and guilt-inducing. I would prefer that it not bark all the fucking time, but I suppose part of that has to do with how I raise it (related question: what dog training book should I read?)
I want a dog who is goofy, likes to play, enjoys running around but is also good at napping, is eager to meet other dogs and not murder them, and is good with children. I don't plan on having any kids anytime soon, but if we meet a toddler in a stroller while out on a walk, I don't want to have to worry that my dog is going to bite its ear off. Again, I'm sure that will largely be a function of how I raise it, but if there are notoriously bitey breeds, I'd like to know about them right now.
I will spend too much money on this dog, not on weird outfits, but on overpriced organic/all-natural foodstuffs, on health and wellness crap, and on toys. I will love this dog with an intensity that surpasses my love for most people. I will take endless photos of this dog in various amusing situations and put said photos on Facebook in order to annoy/delight the masses. When this dog dies, which HAHA it never will, I will mourn deeply.
This dog will be my friend and my companion. I will make sure it has other doggie friends, too.
Here are my top contenders so far. They are all mixes, because I figure that is what I will get at the shelter. My understanding is that purebred dogs tend to have more health problems; if this is untrue, feel free to disabuse me of this notion.
So okay, I'm considering:
1. Boxer mix: I've heard they are fun and snuggly and inquisitive and fond of meeting other dogs. They seem like sturdy dogs who could attack you but probably won't, unless you really fuck with them, which I obviously would not do because I am not a monster.
3. Boston terrier mix: I mean, just look at this puppy. Could you die? I know. Me too.
4. Pit bull mix: This much-maligned breed used to be known for its great patience with children. My experience with them is that, when raised properly, they can be amazing, sweet animals.
Alright, I've done the hard work of telling you about my ill-informed opinions. Now I want your well-informed opinions! Tell me: what kind of dog should I get?