Men Need Not Apply
Have you ever played the game in the thrift store where you appeal to the Universe to reveal to you the magical items are you destined to be connected with? Like you scan a rack of T-shirts and a thin heather blue shoulder comes into super-focus and further inspection uncovers a 1977 glitter iron-on Kiss My Bass shirt? Or in this case, all the books blur together except for one thin yellow spine blasting “Jokes For Women Only?”
Knock knock. Who’s there? You. You who? Yoo-hoo, I’m in line at Goodwill paying 70 cents for this sexist joke book.
The author, the elusive Susan Savannah. The publisher, Shenandoah Press -- famous for its Ohio P.O. box and two additional works, “Jokes for Men Only” and “More Jokes for Women Only.” The year, 1990.
The back cover assigns us four challenges. Let us start by searching for the answers to these mysteries first.
Discover, Find Out, Uncover, Reveal
• DISCOVER Why God Created Man!
Ah, here. Top of page 67:
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn
UGH, so outdated. All vibrators invented after 1990 can mow the lawn.
• FIND OUT How Older Women Keep Their Youth!
Easy, bottom of page 3:
How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him money.
Don’t slut shame sex workers, Susan Savannah.
• UNCOVER The Truth About Why It’s Called Sex!
All right. Page 7:
Do you know why it’s called sex?
Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhh… Ahhhhhhhh… AIEEEEE!!
Because Susan Savannah is/has sex with Nina Hagen.
• REVEAL The Difference Between Marriage and a Mental Hospital!
There are more than 93 pages??:
What’s the difference between a mental hospital and marriage?
At a mental hospital, you have to show improvement to get out.
That one’s like a Buddhist riddle.
When it comes to jokes, apparently women are only interested in 15 topics: bad sex, good sex, adulterous sex, incest, how bad marriage is, small penises, child abuse, dumb men, Kermit the Frog’s testicles, men in women’s clothing, children with advanced sexual knowledge, Catholicism, bestiality, senior citizen sex and ugly penises. I admit, I never would have guessed several of these. There’s so much to learn from Susan Savannah.
Speaking of, I think we all know “Susan Savannah” is most likely a nom de plume. I’ve come up with a formula for us to find out our own “Jokes for Women Only” pen names; take the first name of your prettiest babysitter and a city in Georgia. All my babysitters were named Connie so that one’s easy. I’m going with “Constance” to sound more writerly. So I’ll be “Constance Alpharetta” when I ghost write “MORE More Jokes for Women ONLY” (example: Why do they call dumb men with small penises men? Because if they were smart and had vaginas, they’d be women!) and Constance Alpharetta will look like this:
COMING SOON! MORE More Jokes For Women ONLY by CONSTANCE ALPHARETTA!!
In the very back of the book is Jokes for Women Only’s Astrological Guide to Men. I found it very insightful. My husband’s a Leo:
Leo considers himself a born leader. Others think he is pushy. Most Leos are bullys (sic). They are vain and can’t tolerate honest criticism. Their arrogance is disgusting. Leo men are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
Seems kind of brutal, but the thieving bastard did steal my heart. And if that’s honest criticism, I don’t want to be tolerated.
Susan Savannah wraps up with this disclaimer:
All in all, I don’t want you to get the impression from this book that MEN are all bad. The are a pain and they do irritating things like leave the toilet seat up, but there are compensations…….
I just can’t think of any right now…….
In the spirit of the Universe putting things supernaturally in our paths, I’d like to close with the joke designated by the single dog-ear found in the book:
A few months after his parents were divorced, the little boy passed his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her do it several times. One day he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he looked in her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. The boy ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started rubbing himself and moaning, “I need a bike! I need a bike!”
Heard any good jokes? What's your "Jokes For Women Only" pen name?
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