I Have Never - Done Lots Of Things, Actually...

Maybe I'm not as experienced as I thought. Also, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Avatar:
Danielle
Author:
Publish date:
Social count:
0
Maybe I'm not as experienced as I thought. Also, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

I think I’m quite experienced in that thing called life. I’ve achieved all the usual milestones like getting married, ejecting a baby from my vagina, buying a house, illness and recovery, loss, love, you get the drift.

But recently I’ve realised that there are a whole host of things I have never done. Overall, these are stupid superficial things, but I’ve still never done them.

For example, I've never eaten a Nandos before, and probably never will [Neither has Phoebe – seriously, what did you two spend your teenage years doing? --Rebecca].

Peri Peri chicken isn't the only thing that's passed me by on this varied and fruitful journey called life:

I have never had sex in a car

That’s clearly not me, cause obviously I’ve never had sex in a car, but doesn’t she look like she’s having fun? Or steamy, it looks steamy.

That’s clearly not me, cause obviously I’ve never had sex in a car, but doesn’t she look like she’s having fun? Or steamy, it looks steamy.

When I told my mum I was writing this piece for xoJane UK, I said I’d kick off with something I think is pretty standard – I’ve never had sex in a car.

It turns out that my mum, on the other hand, has.

Cheers mum. Crap all over my inexperience.

Actually, the opportunity for sexual relations in a motor vehicle arose very recently. The husband and I were off to the cinema, and we got there way too early. The cinema we visited has a car park the size of a football pitch, and both the car park and cinema were deserted.

So, we’re sat in the car killing time and I’m telling husband about the forthcoming piece I’m writing, and I think to myself, this is a prime opportunity to right that personal life-lesson wrong and have sex in the car.

Me: ‘I’m writing a piece about things I’ve never done. One of them is have sex in a car. Have YOU had sex in a car?’

Him: ‘Yeah’.

Me: ‘I’ve never had sex in a car before. It’s a nice balmy night’.

Him: ‘I think I’m gonna get some pick ‘n mix’.

Maybe I wasn’t forthcoming enough? Maybe he was just too psyched to see Batman. Onwards.

I have never seen Bugsy Malone, Oliver! or Titanic

Leonardo DiCaprio looks like he’s kissing his mother. The poor orphan I couldn’t give less of a shit about. And Jodie ‘trussed up like a child hooker’ Foster. No thanks.

Leonardo DiCaprio looks like he’s kissing his mother. The poor orphan I couldn’t give less of a shit about. And Jodie ‘trussed up like a child hooker’ Foster. No thanks.

Bugsy and Oliver! seemed to be a right of passage when I was a kid. I clearly remember being seven or eight years old and the kids at school talking about it.

Both Bugsy and Oliver! were school plays, yet, I still managed to avoid ever seeing them. I just never understood the appeal. I always felt as a kid, watching children pretend to be adults in Bugsy Malone was just strange. And Jodie Foster playing a flirtatious kidult – ew, it makes me go cold.

As a result, my only real of point of reference to Bugsy Malone is this really old advert:

And then there’s Oliver! If you think about it, it’s about a poor orphan (sad), starving hungry (really sad), forced to rob for some old evil git called Fagin (really, really sad). Why exactly do parents want their kids to see this? And it’s a musical too. I hate musicals.

When Titanic was released, I hugely disliked Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet. I always thought she looked ten years too old to be playing her character. So why on earth would I endure an almost three hour slog starring two actors I loathe, and I already know the end of the movie?

I know it won a zillion Oscars. I know it’s James Cameron who’s a directing wizard, but I still can’t find it in myself to give a crap.

Although I’ve since come round to Kate Winslet after seeing her in Mildred Pierce.

I have never been to a festival 

Maybe I should go to a festival. Look how happy I would be covered in mud. Oh wait, it's not real, because I HATE mud.

Maybe I should go to a festival. Look how happy I would be covered in mud. Oh wait, it's not real, because I HATE mud.

The excitement in my office when festival season approaches is positively electric. It’s summer! It’s bands! It’s (sometimes) time to consume copious amounts of drugs! And I want no part of it!

I know, how can I poo poo something I’ve never experienced? Same could be said about anal sex. I’ve never done it and have zero interest in trying it.

But nothing appeals to me less, than 1) sleeping in a tent, 2) portaloos 3) queuing for hours to get in and out of car parks, 4) no electricity therefore no GHD’s (yes, I’m that shallow).

The whole idea of crusty festivals just makes me cringe. Convince me I’m wrong.

I have never had a threesome or been anywhere near to having one.

Oh come on, what did you expect to see? Me sandwiched between two stonking purple penises? Or penii? Or whatever you want to call them.

Oh come on, what did you expect to see? Me sandwiched between two stonking purple penises? Or penii? Or whatever you want to call them.

To me a threesome seems rather exotic. To me, it’s something that happens in pornos and movies. But then I read Emily’s piece about having sex with two guys, and I realised, I will never, ever be able to do that.

Not that I’d want to anyway, cause I’m a bit fat right now, I’d have to get a wax, and when I really think about it, it kind of grosses me out, but there you go. I have never and will never have a threesome. Sad face.

I have never photocopied my boobs 

Why did my photocopied bum not look like this? Apparently it’s because mine is so big and hairy (vom), and for want of a better word, ‘spread’.

Why did my photocopied bum not look like this? Apparently it’s because mine is so big and hairy (vom), and for want of a better word, ‘spread’.

When I was 19 I worked in a really pokey office for a media company. I was a receptionist/secretarial assistant and sometimes, the office would be deserted. Leaving just little old me on my own.

To kill time, apart from snooping at private and confidential paperwork (if it was that private they should have locked the filing cabinet), I decided to photocopy my arse.

Why didn’t I photocopy my boobs first? I have no fucking idea. But I do know that when I copied my arse (how the glass didn’t shatter into a million pieces under my impressive weight is beyond me) I’ve never seen something quite so disgusting in my life. I never had a clue I had so much hair IN my arse. God, I needed waxing so bad.

Quite why I thought I could hop up there, do the photocopy and not see Blake Lively’s arse staring back it me is beyond thick. And I’m pretty sure this I where my obsession with body hair removal stems from.

Life-lesson here? Stick to photocopying your boobies – safer, faster and (probably) involves much less hair.

I have never been on a demonstration or march

Maybe I should protest for something I believe in. But you never see many demonstrations about cake.

Maybe I should protest for something I believe in. But you never see many demonstrations about cake.

I’m not big on politics or standing up and fighting for things I believe in. Not that I think other people shouldn’t do it, I’m not saying that at all. What I’m saying is, is that I’m lazy. Really, really lazy.

Never once have I dragged my sorry arse out to a demo or march to show my solidarity for anything. Maybe I will in the future, but I can’t imagine what it would be for.

It would certainly have to be something that pulled on my personal heartstrings to get my bum off the couch to get my voice heard. Or at least my body counted.

I have never been blonde

If this isn’t reason enough for me to never try being blonde, I don’t know what is.

If this isn’t reason enough for me to never try being blonde, I don’t know what is.

In my 34 years, I’ve dyed my dark brown hair, black, plum, henna red (which was ginger), bleached the ends and dyed them pink, had hi-lights and low-lights, but I have never been blonde. Not even light brown.

I would love to be blonde, just to try it one time [insert blondes have more fun quip here], but I can’t and here’s why.

Years ago I was at a party, I found a long blonde wig lying around, so I put it on. A guy pointed at me and said ‘Ohmygod, it’s Vanessa Feltz!’.

Seriously, Vanessa Feltz? This is exactly why I can never be blonde. Cause what if I did look like Vanessa Feltz? Or worse, Tulisa? [Man, is Tulisa really worse than Vanessa Feltz these days? Poor Tulisa... --Rebecca]

And there you have it. The things I have never done. Can’t say I didn’t warn you they were superficial and stupid.

There’s a whole bunch of stuff I haven’t included – for example, I have never had the body I actually want. I suppose that goes hand-in-hand with me never having been to a gym before. I've never having sex with an older man, never kissing a girl, the list goes on.

Please do tell me your I Have Nevers. Chances are, I've never done them either, because after re-reading this list, I'm starting to think that I'm not that experienced after all.

@danigraph