Since 90 percent of what I talk about on Twitter is cake and my butthole, it was only a matter of time before I attracted the interest of some unsavory characters.
But I was thinking more inmates, you know, not diet companies. But who came creeping? Revolutionary weight loss product Vaportrim, who @-ed me, offering to send samples. Vaportrim is basically a desesert inhaler, similar to those e-cigarettes, but making the audacious claim to TASTE JUST LIKE DESSERT. It actually says that on the package.
And look, anytime something claims to be a substitute for dessert, you know it's gonna suck. Only two things are as good as dessert, and that's soulless intercourse between strangers and buying stuff. And flavored air? This product is like a "Saturday Night Live" parody commercial made real. I'm gonna be watching out for a land shark tonight.
Vaportrim comes in flavors like raspberry cheesecake, blueberry muffin and cinnamon bun, but they only sent me one flavor, which is further proof that they didn't really understand who they were dealing with here.
I especially love this hepful diagram that came in the press materials. With stats like those, why would I EVER choose dessert?
N0 regret? Sign me up!
But, look, I will put pretty much anything in my mouth if you tell me it tastes like a cupcake. (Yep.) And I would never mercilessly ridicule a product without first trying it, so I had Olivia film me while I gave it a go.
If you don't feel like watching the video, the summary is that Vanilla Cupcake Vaportrim tastes basically like a cigarette with a slight cake flavor. In fact, if this product was marketed as cupcake cigarettes, I would have no problem with it. I don't even like cigarettes and I might start smoking if it was all cute like that. I mean, I almost relapsed when I found out there is cake-flavored vodka now. Sort of like my friends who have been sober for like 20 years who are still haunted by what Zima must have tasted like.
What this product does not taste like is delicious dessert. It also does not make you feel like you just ate dessert. If anything, that hint of dessert-y flavor made me crave a real vanilla cupcake, the exact opposite of its intended purpose. As does the picture of the cupcake on the box.
That is one fine-looking cupcake. Hold on, I'm going to try it again just to be sure Vaportrim doesn't taste like that.
Offer @msemilymccombs your weird diet products on Twitter.