In an article I wrote last week, I suggested purchasing one of several ridiculous items when struck with a case of the sads. Since then, I have found myself using only one of the purchases I suggested daily, regardless of my mood. That would be the Younicorn Yourself App, wherein, with an assistant from the angels and some development geniuses with a penchant for the magical, an ordinary photo can be turned into a photo of you as a unicorn in outer space surrounded by kittens seemingly not impacted by the effects of a vacuum.
Because, while multi-colored showers and replicas of real swords are all well and good, there’s something about a unicorn that instills a sense of goofy awesome into everyday. It’s undeniable. You can’t be presented with an image of a unicorn and be all “God is dead.”
If you are down and someone is like, Hey man, look at this horse made to appear as though it is a mythical one-horned being, you’re more than likely going to respond with, “Well God may be dead, but magic is alive and well and suddenly I want nothing so much as to go to a medieval fair and paint my face with monarch butterflies -- TURKEY LEGS FOR EVERYONE.”
I might be biased. I got my start in the world of writing penning stories about horses and unicorns. (In my very first book, written at the age of seven, I told the tragic tale of an overworked and under-appreciated pony named Sugar who fell off a cliff and that was how snow was created. Admittedly, the text had some problems, but ultimately I’d change not a thing.)
Coming as a shock to no one, I was a serious and vaguely weird kid. While other girls were emulating Cyndi Lauper and/or Jem and the Holograms, I was quietly wondering when I would wake up with hooves and flowing mane.
My mom’s parents had this (I now realize) giant and insane replica tapestry of some medieval broad with a unicorn’s head in her lap. I logged major time post meals standing in front of it, wishing it would be absorb me.
It was explained to me later on that there was sexual shit at play, what with unicorns appearing only to virgins, and the horn representing a phallus. But I refused to engage in any serious dialogue about something that was such a pure source of joy and magic to me.
A unicorn to me simply represented being different or "other." It was something I’d been aware I was for a long, long time. But it wasn’t until I learned about unicorns that I realized being "other" wasn’t bad -- it was special. I blame "The Last Unicorn" and the poster of a mama and baby unicorn dancing on a black-and-white checked floor that was in my bedroom for most of childhood for this.
Until last week, my passion for the creature hadn’t exactly dwindled -- it had just been laying dormant. But, with my new favorite app, came a rebirth of my passionate feelings for this delicious creature. As a result, I thought I’d share some of my favorite, newly discovered unicorn products.
1.) Canned Unicorn Meat
OK, OK -- it’s macabre, and might initially make you go “Oh no!” But once that passes, this blend of humor and magic and darkness definitely, er, hits the spot. That said, it will also make you shit sparkles. There is a line even I won't cross, and that line is apparently witnessing flecks of mica burst forth from one's out-hole.
2.) I Heart Unicorns Perfume
This is the magic of youth paired with adult sexiness and put into a bottle. It’s all lemony and pepperminty and earthy smelling. So the next time someone accuses you of thinking yourself to smell like rainbows -- rectify that shit: It’s Unicorn, bitches. Then breakdance. And send me the video.
3.) I Make Stuff Up Mug
As an admitted childhood-liar, I love this mug. Not only does it loudly announce a passion for our favorite four-legged horned wonder, but it’s also perfect for your coffee-swilling writer friend’s birthday! HIIIIIINT.
4.) Unicorn Wigs
This ish takes your passion for the unicorns from the boardroom to the bedroom! (You guys. Writing that legitimately just made me lol/snortle.) Nothing says glamour like crazy-long hair in every color of the rainbow. And nothing says "fucking boss" like unicorn hair. Blend the two, and magic is born. E’erybody’s getting pregnant tonight!
5.) Last Unicorn T-Shirt
This T-shirt This t-shirt is an homage to the Last Unicorn. At first I clicked and was all “THE RED BUUUULL” for roughly an hour. Then I sang the complete works of America. Then I ordered eight of the shirts. You’re welcome seven people I see after these shirts arrive!
The Internet is replete with unicorn paraphernalia! Do you have any favorites? Were you a horse or unicorn girl as a child? Do you think unicorns that can fly are cheating? Share, share, share in the comments!