A few months ago, I cautiously approached one of the Young People in my office, Madeline, about a delicate matter.
"Madeline," I whispered near her ear, eyes darting around to make sure no one was within hearing range. "Can you show me how to do emoji?"
(Over the past year, I've found myself surreptitiously approaching "Young People" for many such requests -- "How do I set up filters on my gmail account?" "What is an accent nail and do I need one?" etc. It's cool, it's the circle of life. They get to be young and hot and know about Young People stuff, I get to make more money and have more power, and someday we all switch places.)
So she downloaded something to my phone (or something), showed me how to access it and I was free to start talking about all the really important things in life, like pizza lipstick nail polish cake parties. Am I right?
But it didn't take me long to notice some pretty glaring oversights by Mr. Emoi. For instance, NO TACO EMOJI? How am I supposed to converse properly in emoji language without being able to reference tacos? It's a travesty. Some other glaring oversights: pie, black emoji people, butts, a shark, and a hot dog. (I think you can locate Mr. Emoji's number on the "beeper emoji" if you want to reach out about this.)
Clearly something needs to be done here -- Change.org petition? Sit-in? Day of emoji silence? I haven't figured it out yet, but in the meantime, please let me know what vital symbols are missing from your conversation and also feel free to give me fake "young people information' ala the great "grunge speak" hoax of 1992. I would totally have believed "lamestain."
@msemilymccombs is trying to figure out what the young people are doing on Twitter.