I usually eat pretty healthful food but right now I‘m feeling kind of sad and lazy so I’ve begun to delve into the sordid world of Dutch sandwich spreads.
These fall into the sweet and savory camps. Normally I’d be all about savory but I've found most in that category to be strange pastel concoctions made of mayonnaise and meat, neither of which is my thing so I’ve been tentatively, then wholeheartedly, pursuing the sweeter options. And let me tell you, it’s amazing (yet not really all that surprising) how quickly something made from processed cookie dust can turn a person into a sugar addict.
Hagelslag—known to most native English speakers as “Holy shit! They have sprinkles for your bread!”—is the essential Dutch bread topping. It comes in so many flavors that it has its own section in the grocery store.
The first time I tasted hagelslag however, I was not impressed. They were for a baby shower and therefor powder blue in color and glued with margarine to what resembled a burnt piece of English muffin, the effect was molar-damagingly hard and tasted like stale bread and salty licorice. My thought then was, “Why?”
Luckily, I’ve since found the dark chocolate varieties and am quite pleased with the results. Though I still don’t put them on my bread.
Ovo Maltine Crunchy
I bought this thinking because of its name it would taste like Ovaltine (or birth control) and it does (taste like Ovaltine)! More specifically like those little ovaltine granules swimming in a paste of their own pulverized cousins. It’s incredible. Plus, Ovaltine is meant to be good for you, right?
How does one possibly improve on Nutella you might ask? Well, you pair it with white chocolate swirls and give it an advertisement with a funny little jingle. I don’t normally like white chocolate as it always seems to taste like candle wax, but when it’s combined in one tub with chocolate hazelnut, its value doubles. I like my Duo Penotti with pretzel sticks, but there are endless possibilities.
I got this one on a whim despite the fact that this also seems to be named after something found in your gynecologist’s office. I like how it serves as proof that the old Dutch Calvinists were not completely without a sense of fun. Apparently they liked to make a sort of buttered bread and cinnamon cookie sandwich that evolved into this cookie paste. This jar of tastiness skips several steps (such as butter and extra chewing), as it is literally cookie paste you can spread on your bread. It comes in normal and crunchy.
Ik Wil Bolletje Schudde Buikjes
For those of you who still want to go the cookie route but don’t want to use actual full-sized cookies, there is another option. Ik Wil Bolletje Schudde Buikjes, literally "I want Bolletje Schudde Buikjes," is a pourable carton of teeny, tiny pepernoten cookies made just for your cookie-sandwich needs.
Ok, I’m going to go eat some more cookie paste and try to shake this feeling of dread. What’s the weirdest thing you put on your bread?