I am a very particular drinker. I don't drink a ton, but when I do, I only want to drink tequila. Top shelf tequila, at that. I'm talking 100% blue agave, not some 50/50 hybrid. I'm partial to Don Julio silver, Republic Tequila (in a Texas-shaped bottle, natch) or Chamucos reposado. I can also make do with a little of my uncle's tasty homemade "Hill Country Hooch" if there's no tequila available.
This means that I often find myself at an outdoor concert, wedding, or rock show where my drink options are limited. (YES I SAID WEDDING!) The wedding problem is easily enough solved -- there's not a security checkpoint at the door, so I just cram a bottle in my bag and nobody's the wiser. (What do you mean, why am I carrying a giant L.L. Bean Boat and Tote bag to a formal wedding??)
A festival or street fair is a far trickier proposition. Cramming a bottle in your boot or bag won't cut it. You're going to need a bit of forethought and a lot of ingenuity. Luckily, I'm about to show that you can be of below average intelligence and lack any sort of work ethic and still achieve your booze smuggling goals -- but only if you are a girl.
Coachella, Lollapalooza and whatever crazy events you kids are attending these days don't look too kindly on people bringing booze into the campgrounds or through the festival gates. Why? Well I guess SAFETY but also because they want to sell it to you themselves at a crazy inflated cost.
This is the case at baseball, hockey, and football games too. The NFL even regulates the size of purse you can bring to a game! They'd also like it to be made of clear plastic so they can make sure you're not sneaking in booze or drugs. No doubt because they want to sell you their own special NFL branded "Molly." (If you are old like me, "Molly" is the new "Ecstasy.") The NFL helpfully suggests you just carry your crap in a Ziploc bag instead of a proper purse to make their lives easier, so maybe don't bother going to a pro football game, EVER.
What's the point of going to a game in Texas with my snotty college roomies if I can't even carry my special Dallas Cowboys colored Chanel bag like a civilized human? I mean, CAN I LIVE?
But as any expert in platitudes will tell you: where there's a will, there's a way. Opportunity is knocking, and knocking only for the ladies -- so be sure to open the damn door.
All the aforementioned venues DO allow you to carry in things like sunscreen, tampons and big ol' boobies. So, free yourself of the tyranny of overpriced drinks and bottom-shelf booze by smuggling in your own hooch -- like a beautiful, budding Al Capone.
The boobie bags and the tampon shooters prove that you have to be a girl (or dress like one!) to truly be a successful booze smuggler. Because what bouncer is going to fondle your breasts or unwrap your tampons?
I think the tampon flasks might be my very favorite thing that ever existed. Perhaps they are what the Texas Legislature was concerned about when they dorkily started confiscating tampons from lady spectators in the gallery last month?
The only bummer about the boobie booze bags is that after you drink 'em up, you are back to being flat-chested. And I'm a little unclear as to how you just casually shoot what appears to be sunscreen in your mouth at a crowded rock show. No guts, no glory, I suppose.
I know you dirty rat bootleggers have your own clever booze smuggling systems. So hit me with 'em! Until you do, I'll be sucking at my own breasts and accidentally drinking real sunscreen because my purse is such a disaster -- full of discarded clothes, drink cups and cat food receipts. Help!
I'm on Twitter: @IveyAlison.