PICK MY NEW GLASSES, Help Me Be Less of a Control Freak

FEATURING SUPER UNFLATTERING MUGSHOT-LIKE PICTURES. I will buy whatever glasses you guys like best. I swear.

Nov 15, 2012 at 1:00pm | Leave a comment

I have a seriously huge head, which means I also have a giant face, which means finding glasses online that look halfway decent is quite the undertaking. In the past, I’ve dealt with this by doing a bunch of meticulous measuring and hoping for the best, and I’ve only made a couple small missteps in years of glasses-accumulation. Really! I think that’s pretty good.

Anyway, it was only recently that I found out -- from a bunch of you, in fact -- about Warby Parker’s free try-on-by-mail program, and thought I’d give it a shot. It happens like this: you select up to five pairs of glasses you want to see in person. Warby Parker, purveyor of fine hipster frames to bearded hat-wearing dudes everywhere, then sends you a box of frames with demo lenses in them. You get five days to make a decision and send them back; if you fail to send them back in the specified time frame, I assume Warby Parker sends goons to your house to smash your kneecaps. Or maybe they just charge you for them, as you do have to give them a valid credit card to secure the purchase.

(FOR THE RECORD, Warby Parker has not given me anything free for this. This isn’t a sponsored post or anything. And truth be told I don’t want them to because I have a bunch of flex spending money I need to use up before the end of the year, which is my main motivation for glasses-shopping right now in the first place. Heaven knows I’m not shopping because I actually need more glasses.)

So my box o’ glasses arrived yesterday and I discovered, to my despair, that I was now expected to take a bunch of pictures with them on, and ask people’s opinions. Like the box actually comes with a card instructing you to do this.

I HATE asking people’s opinions on style-related questions. I have always been this way. When it comes to how I dress or otherwise adorn myself, I really like to make up my own mind, and while I don’t mind when folks offer their feelings about it, it’s virtually unheard of for me to ASK anybody to do so. Seriously, I have been this way since I was first old enough to dress myself.

NEVERTHELESS, I didn’t want to be a Warby Parker party pooper. I figure I can be a sport here. And thus I am asking your opinions on which glasses I should get. For a hyper-picky boundary-guarding super control freak like me, this is a huge step. But I’m all about getting out of my comfort zone. Sometimes. When I’m okay with it.

I'm not gonna tell you which ones I personally like. I tried to make all these pictures as boring and mugshot-like as possible, so as not to skew the data with my face. That’s why I look so grouchy. Also, I am really tired and took these pictures before having had any tea. ON TO THE GLASSES:

Option #1: 

image

Wanted for robbing a donut store.

Option #2:

image

A fugitive from CONVENTION. Get it? Eh.

Option #3:

image

TIME BANDIT. A.K.A. almost the same exact glasses I had in the eighth grade.

Option #4:

image

Suspected of murdering a ton of kiwifruits this week. They were on sale. (These frames are burgundy, not sure if you can tell.)

Option #5:

image

Sought for questioning in connection with a missing cake. (These are a mottled grey, if that's not obvious.)

Vote, friends. I will actually buy whatever glasses win. YOU CONTROL MY DESTINY.