Outfits Guaranteed to Get You Laid

No fishnets required! You filthy skank.

Sep 29, 2011 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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Despite not having any Greek system whatsoever, the college I attended afforded an unusual opportunity to wear togas. (Halloween, a couple of actual faux-sorrority parties that someone did as a performance art project, Lupercalia.) I noticed that without fail, whenever I wore a toga, I would Git Some.

It's not that I look particularly awesome in a sheet (but who doesn't? You look post-coital, but your hair isn't in sweaty sex dreads) -- it started out as circumstantial and then became my go to. Now that I'm a grown-ass woman, and wearing a toga in public is generally frowned upon outside of some kind of "Eyes Wide Shut" murder party situation, my new "dress to get laid" outfit is one of my myriad metal t-shirts with a tight skirt and (wait for it!) glasses. Yep. For me, merch + myopia = fornication. I think my look says "I have questinable taste and probably am not ready for children."

But, because you can't always wear that out, or because dressing like a fanboy in drag may not be your thing, allow me to suggest some other guaranteed Get Laid outfits, by venue.

Happy Hour
A cashmere sweater. I swear to god. I have a men's X-Small from J-Crew and people just want to pet it. I think it's because it makes your breasts look like two friendly muppets being kidnapped by militants. No matter what the size or shape of your cans, they will look amazing.

A House Party
Something memorable! I mean, I think so, based on the below typical text exchange between me and one of my guy friends.
ME: Where did you go last night, you dumb fuck? I took the train home alone and a homeless guy threw milk on me.
DUDE FRIEND: to the roof with the girl with the things.
ME: What things?
DUDE FRIEND: the eighties caluculator wrist watch.

A Wedding
Go with the slutty dress. I mean, not slutty, I don't want you to go to Rave or anything, but being the girl in the tiny black number when all the boyfriended women are wearing Anne Taylor Loft-ass dresses. Try something black, with details, that's just a liiiiiiittle hooker-y. (Like this.)

A First Date
True, it's fairly easy to get laid on a first date. You are, after all, there for the prospect of eventually touching your naked parts to the other person's naked parts. But sometimes you go out with a recovering drug addict, one of those "let's get coffee and take it slow" nightmares, or somebody from that evangelical town from "Footloose." If you need a secret weapon, look no further than those tights with the seam up the back.

A Grocery Chain
Yoga clothing or other gym wear. Please don't misunderstand me: I hate exercise and I think yoga is an elaborate practical sanskrit joke designed to make people fart on you in hot rooms, but try a "Missed Connection" search with keywords "Whole Foods" or "Trader Joe's" and I guarantee you, it's all "sports tank" this and "lululemon" that. Everybody looks hot reaching for fruit in breathable fabric.

The Liquor Store
A look of quiet desperation and this skirt.

A Dog Funeral
Okay, I said a "dog funeral" here because getting laid at grandpa funerals is unethical. But really, when death is involved, you can wear pretty much anything! Sad people are horny people. Wear a tie-dyed muumuu and you don't even need to wink at some grieving hottie.

Now go get some!

Posted in Fun, manipulation, outfits, sex