Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Well, I think I may have reached the peak of Annoying Mountain. You all know that I love accepting dares, and that I love emojis, so it should be no surprise that I recently attempted to text my friends and family using only my most creative emoji combinations. I’m a magnet for all things weird, so the results were better than I could have asked for.
I started this dare with a family member, mi padre. My Dad has a literal “started from the bottom now we here” life story, and is no stranger to a dollar bill. I decided to text him one of his favorite things -- flying stacks of cash -- and received the best response I could have asked for…
WEEEE!!!!!! I honestly don’t even know what my Dad thinks he’s covering me for, but I’m smart enough not to question it. Usually when I ask my Dad for money he says no and laughs at me -- who knew it was because I was using stupid words when I should have been communicating through sophisticated images.
You can learn a lot about the depth of your relationship with someone by how quickly they stop putting up with your shit. Take my best friend Lucy for example. She gets fed up with my crap in a matter of minutes.
This obviously made me rofl-copter into the horizon, so I Emoji-ed another friend with a low tolerance for my stupidity.
Yes, I do need Jesus, and I’m pretty sure he spoke to me with the GREATEST GIFT OF ALL -- a Tinder boy. That. Only. Texted. Me. In. Emojis. I could not make this shit up, nor would I want to because it was a glorious, glorious blessing of perfect timing. I was placed at the other end of my own experiment. Bear with me because I’m about to OD on my caps lock. OK, so the whole thing started like this…
HE WAS DEAD ASS SERIOUS WITH THE PIZZA AND CHICKEN. The blurred bubble is his phone number, which I won’t include because I’m not a total monster. OBVIOUSLY I had to text him because, holy shit, duh. He proceeded to be generally weird and send me dick pics that made me scream my head off because his penis is the size of a leg. I kept the conversation going for like, a day, so I could receive more suggestive texts whenever I’m bored. AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.
What the actual fuck is he talking about??? Let me be clear and specify that there is no language barrier -- HE SPEAKS ENGLISH -- so I don’t get why he’s yelling “YEYE” at me. Also, what are the leaves??? My vagina leaves??? What??? I don’t kna’mean.
My conversations with Michelle mainly consist of lists of snacks we want to eat, so I naturally filled her entire screen with food Emojis.
The conversation went very far left when she sent me a picture of a disturbing, failed attempt at healthy eating. I was compelled to use words after a fit of gag-laughing -- I needed to make sure Michelle understood how gross her masochistic dinner looked.
This was my final hoorah for the Emoji experiment, which was pretty successful if I do say so myself. I learned a lot -- like, my friends are extremely patient. Also, vaginas have leaves.
Let’s talk about Emojis! Love them? Hate them? Do you like to abuse them?
Tell Courtney how funny she is on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza