Let's Talk About Men With Mustaches -- Are You Into Them?

It's Movember and mustaches are sprouting on the faces of men across the world.

Nov 20, 2013 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

When I was little, I LOVED men with mustaches. And lucky for me, in the 1980s, they were found on so many faces. Even better, many of them were attached to the faces of the abundant quantities of men my mother dated. I loved mustaches so much that—until she dated a total jerk with one—a mustache was pretty much all one of her suitors had to have in order for me to like him.

There have been studies done that say men with mustaches “are perceived to be more attractive, industrious, creative, masculine, dominant, and mature,” but I don’t think that’s why six year old me dug a dude with a ‘stache. Rather, my father had a mustache. And then he abandoned me. And, well, it doesn’t take a genius to make that connection. Daddy issues! They’re the best! WHO WANTS TO DATE ME? Anyone? Anyone?

That being said, I do think there is something masculine and handsome about a man with a mustache. I mean, Sam Elliott (then and now) is on my Top 5 for heaven’s sake. And while a good part of that is just because, I mean: hello! Sam Elliott, if not for his mustache, I feel certain he’d quickly fall out of my Top 100.

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I'll take ONE moustache ride, please.

Let’s be clear though: I only like a real mustache. A full mustache. A mustache that needs to be combed and cared for. Loved and licked. I will not stand for any of this sparse straggling hairs that one deceives himself into thinking is a mustache. For a mustache to count—and be considered attractive—it needs to be a Burt Reynolds mustache. A Tom Selleck mustache.

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You can call me anytime, Tommy.

(Let’s all take a moment to remember when Tom Selleck shaved his mustache and the world stopped turning. One of the worst times of my entire life. A dark, dark period during which I could find little reason to get out of bed or smile. May he never traumatize me—or any of us—like that again.)

But the fact that many men simply don’t have the capability to sprout a Sellack ‘stache is where my problems with mustaches begin.

See, we’re halfway through November, or Movember as many men like to call it. Movember, as you likely know, is the month when men grow mustaches in order to raise awareness of prostate cancer.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of Movember. I am a huge fan of raising awareness for prostate cancer, but I’m not sure I agree that dudes growing mustaches is doing that effectively, much in the way that women wearing pink during October doesn’t necessarily convince more women to get mammograms. I do appreciate that some of the men allowing the hair to pop out on their face in patterns that aren’t always pleasing are doing so to actually raise money, but, and I know this isn’t true for all of them, it just feels like most guys are doing it for attention. And not attention for prostate cancer, but attention for themselves. 

Still, other than having to look at some really heinous facial hair, it’s harmless for the most part so if it convinces even one guy to get checked for prostate cancer, it’s worth it.

And the good news, according to the Daily Mail, over a fifth of women said they would be more likely to date a guy who is growing a mustache this month. Fifty-five percent said “raising money for a charity makes a potential date more attractive.” (Which makes me wonder just who the 45% are that think guys who raise money for charity are less attractive. “Oh, he raises money for CHARITY? Yuck! Next!”)

Oddly, when asked who their favorite moustachioed celebs were, none of them named any of the studs I’ve mentioned. Instead, their list included Johnny Depp (I hate his facial hair), James Franco (again: hot, but cleanly shaven hot, not mustache hot), Clooney (I mean, he’d be hot with a boil covering his head), Freddie Mercury (classic ‘stache) and Ned Flanders. Which has TOTALLY made me reconsider Ned Flanders because he does sport that perfect ‘stache I described.

Truthfully though, other than Movember, I can’t really see myself dating a guy with a mustache. Perhaps it’s that the mustache has morphed from traditionally handsome to traditionally hipster. Or that everyone seems to think wearing a mustache is the most hilarious thing ever at parties. Or in pictures. “Oooh! Look at me! I am a girl! But I’m wearing a mustache!” Listen ladies, if you’re so into having a ‘stache, I think a good portion of us could just not wax ours… But instead, they’re only funny because they’re something we would never have (even if we do).

More than that, to me an authentic mustache screams “man.” Like “I have a big bank account and I occasionally smoke cigars” type of thing. It’s all very adult. And even though I think I’m technically one of those, I’m not sure I’m ready to date another one.

 Unless Sam Elliot or Tom Selleck are available. In which case, I’d happily furrow for cupcake crumbs in their stately ‘staches any day of the week.

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Monkey has a freckle mustache! OKAY FINE I JUST WANTED AN EXCUSE TO PUT IN A PICTURE OF MY PUPPY.

What about you? Are you supporting the Movember mustache growers in your life? And how do you feel about a hirsute upper lip? Kiss it or kiss it goodbye?

Also, I've shared this before, but just because I love to share me making an ass out of myself... My ultimate mustache fail for your viewing pleasure: