KVETCH KVETCH KVETCH!
It's fun to say and do. Trading "top that" complaints about your awful date or your bad boss is almost as satisfying as perfectly executing the "Top That!" rap from "Teen Witch" in front of a stunned Applebee's.
But what if instead of empathy and hugs from your friends, you got something more… material for your bitching?
My friend Julie told me a terrible story that was so good, I thought she should have some kind of certificate just for living it. You know, something that she could put on her desk to remind her that she is a survivor. (In this case, quite literally. Read on.)
Then I remembered my friend Logan, who illustrates amazing portraits of people doin' crazy things. He's very good! He has done stuff for musicians, my friend Jensen's brain tumors on HelloGiggles, and for me. (Don't ask -- just be like one of the De Medicis and get a super talented artist to illustrate stuff for you.)
Also....Guess where he goes to school? PRATT. (Right?????) Here's one he did of Jerry Seinfeld hitting on Kreayshawn:
I recently commissioned him to make a picture mocking a friend of mine (what?) and then I thought, hey, he should totally draw something for YOU.
What if you guys sent me your tales of woe, and Logan made them into art?
You know, so instead of a horrible memory of the time you got mega drunk at a Christmas party or duped by your Goth Internet boyfriend, you could have a funny picture commemorating it to hang in your bathroom or pin up in your cubicle.
Please send me your funny, your embarrassing, your scary stories, yearning to be illustrated. Think of this as a mini-er, goofier "It Happened to Me," or maybe more like one of those "WHY ME" stories from Seventeen, but with fewer maxi pads and for grownups. You know what? If you have a maxi pad story, that's good too. (Although, who among you are still using maxi pads? Those things are the worst!)
SO! Did you get bitten by a nurse shark? Did your dad walk in on you watching weird German porn? Did somebody write something mean about you on a web site? That last one will be hard to illustrate but that doesn't lessen the acute mental anguish! Arghhhh!
Just send along a little picture of you, and let Logan make Logan magic. You can make it your Timeline profile image or lick it or have it tattooed on your bottom.
To start us off, here's Julie's Tale of Woe and resulting masterpiece (atop the article!) from my friend Julie Gerstein (of The Frisky, who is very funny and whom I know from the Gathering of the Juggalos):
This one time, I went on a date with a cute Peruvian dude who poked me on Facebook.
He was adorable! And he learned English by watching "Arrested Development!"
Yay, a Hot Peruvian "Arrested Development" fan, right? Wrong.
Dinner was going really great, until I made a harmless joke: "I think we'll get along as long as you aren't a murderer or something." His face fell.
Peruvian: Can I tell you something?
Peruvian: When I lived in Cuzco, a homeless man attacked my girlfriend, and I defended her by stabbing him in the chest with a broken bottle. He died on the street. It was reported in the papers but the police never bothered to look into the case. I went to the funeral out of respect.
Me: [Backs away slowly from Peruvian murderer.]
My date? Literally killed a hobo. TOP THAT.
Well, CAN YOU???? Email me your tales of sadness at firstname.lastname@example.org .