Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
I’ve really never done drugs with any commitment or regularity. Really! I have smoked pot exactly twice, and it made me really angry and short-tempered both times (which is, you know, exactly the kind of mindset you want to be in, when surrounded by a bunch of giggling stoned people).
I have tried various mushroom-based concoctions but never felt all that strongly about them. I did ecstasy once and wasn’t really moved by the experience. (WOW, I am so dating myself you guys -- do the kids even call it X anymore?)
When my various college friends were all trying coke -- in some cases, trying it A BUNCH OF TIMES -- I shrugged off the opportunity in every case. I just wasn’t interested.
Even alcohol is sort of boring to me, although owing to the weird confluence of catastrophes that have thus characterized my 2013, I have of late been threatening to take up drinking as a hobby. I think I’d need to sign up for a class or something, though, as I keep forgetting to order alcohol in restaurants and stuff.
All of this is not to say I am without addictive tendencies, but my addiction of choice has always involved a different form of consumption. Instead, I shop. I shop to deal with crappy emotions or stress. I'm quite certain I learned this from my mom ("I learned it by watching you!" -- further proof of my age) as I think it's safe to say that at various points in both our lives, we have abused shopping to our detriment.
It was definitely from her that I learned the habit of buying a ton of stuff and then later returning it -- a clever means of securing the shopping high but then not having to pay the price. Literally. It's like shopping bulimia. Which I thought I just invented but now Google is telling me that “shopping bulimia” is actually a thing people have been writing panicked articles about since 2011 at least. [Ahem -- Emily]
While I've since stopped buying and then purging in this way -- shopping online has gone a long way in breaking the habit, as returns are way more of a pain in the ass -- I do still rely on shopping to improve my mood. Sometimes this means spending an hour wandering around HomeGoods and imagining how I’d rearrange all our living room furniture if most of it wasn’t overloaded bookshelves bolted into the walls.
And sometimes this means spending an evening on the couch looking at things I would like to buy but cannot begin to justify.
You know where this is going. I’m sorry guys. No, I’m not sorry.
Wish #1: Cut-Out Oxfords
I’ve always had a weakness for cut-out oxfords -- they’re a more springy/summery take on one of my wardrobe staples, and while I’m not above wearing regular oxfords with all my pretty dresses, their cut-out kin are just a little more seasonable, either with or without socks.
Traditionally these oxfords tend to have superflat soles, but lately I’m seeing more pairs that combine the cut-out look with the big clunky sole I like. I mean, of course Dr. Martens is doing it:
And ASOS has a menswear-y version in three-toned neutrals:
Also these adorable gingham examples, which would probably be a nightmare to keep clean but WHATEVER, they’re cute:
Okay one more, with clear plastic inserts:
I’m done, I swear.
Wish #2: Tufted Jellyfish Rug
I spend most of my life wanting to stab Anthropologie in the eyes for both not carrying my size and being too expensive for my cheap ass to stand anyway, but sometimes they have a thing that makes me WEEP with longing. Here is that thing today:
It’s a tufted wool jellyfish rug. The smaller, 4x6 version is still $498. The version that would fit perfectly in my living room is $998. OH GOD IT'S SO UNFAIR.
Wish #3: Hanging planters
Given that the first day of spring has finally come -- not that you’d know it in New England -- I’m starting my annual garden planning. Given my extremely limited space, this means looking into any new easy vertical garden solutions that may have turned up since last year. I’m liking this new hanging planter from West Elm in particular.
While lots of more functional options for wall gardens exist, mostly in the form of pockets made of wool, I kinda like that this one looks sort of rustic and repurposed, like a smaller version of that DIY wall pocket garden made from an over-the-door shoe organizer, which I will never actually make.
Wish #4: Illamasqua Speckled Nail Varnish
Speckled! Like an egg! I will want literally anything nail polish related if you just give it a new and interesting-sounding name!
Wish #5: Hello Kitty Popcorn Maker
The terrible truth of my life for the past few months is that weekdays, I tend to eat the same thing every day, with only occasional deviations. For breakfast I have some kind of oatmeal or hot cereal. For lunch I have popcorn and a piece of fruit. For dinner I have a salad, usually involving tomatoes and/or arugula, and liberally employing some fancy infused balsamic vinegar. The end. This is not accounting for days when I forget to eat breakfast and lunch, which usually results in a dinner of popcorn/salad/fruit.
Anyway, my point is I eat a lot of popcorn, which I make either using the paper bag method in the microwave (remarkably easy to start a fire this way, incidentally) or using an old-school Whirley-Pop contraption on the stove. What I’m saying is that I NEED THIS POPCORN MAKER.
I mean it’s basically what you see in a movie theater, only Hello Kitty themed. It has a WARMING LAMP. I would install it in my office, possibly on a custom-made cart. I would probably talk to it as I might a co-worker. I might need to get out more.
(A kitchen-related honorable mention goes to this Hamilton Beach Breakfast Sandwich Maker, which I don't actually want to buy so much as I just find it fascinating and hilarious. No seriously, watch the video.)
Wish #6: Fat-Lady iPad Stand
I found this on Fab, of all places, where this Venus of Cupertino sculptural docking stand is being offerred from artist/designer Scott Eaton. It is beautiful, and the item description is remarkably positive -- “an ode to the curvaceous forms and symbolism of the ancient Venus figurines” -- given this is, after all, a sculpture in which a fat lady’s enormous bosoms safely secure your iPad in place.
Look at her little dimpled elbows! I can’t, I’m dead.
I am happy to report that thus far I have purchased NONE of this absurd, non-essential stuff, although a pair of those shoes is probably going to happen. I don’t want to kid myself, I mean I have to be responsible within reasonable parameters, right?
YOUR TURN. Tell me what ridiculous thing you’d buy right now if you had the opportunity.