Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
And this is why I need to apologise. I’m not a LAD. I’m not even entirely sure what one is. I didn’t write the headlines. Someone else did. Someone who I assume either hates me or deliberately wants to plunge me headfirst into the single biggest identity crisis of my entire life. [A little bit of both Stuart, a little bit of both. --Rebecca]
I am pretty sure that I’m not a LAD, though. I don’t read Nuts magazine. I don’t own a 20-year-old Volkswagen Golf kitted out with an impractically loud stereo and an exhaust pipe you could fit a Rubik’s Cube into.
I have never once, even at my lowest-ever ebb, been able to even slightly relate to Neil Morrissey on any discernible level.
I like wearing jumpers and listening to poncey French music and being inside on my own growing a succession of failed beards that make my face look like it’s been struck down with a nasty case of necrotising fasciitis. That’s not what LADs do, is it?
The truth is, I don’t know. The last time I was around any LADs was when I was at school, and I’m pretty sure they don’t all have undercut centre-parted haircuts, wear marketstall NAFNAF bomber jackets and listen to The Very Best Of Shabba Ranks on their cassette walkmans any more.
Maybe things have changed since then. So, just to make doubly sure that I’m not a LAD, I decided to delve further into the world of modern LAD by doing some research online, with the help of TrueLAD.com.
Here are my findings (partial, because oh Jesus Christ):
1 - Nobody knows why the word LAD is capitalisedOnce upon a time, you could just say ‘lad’ and get away with it. “That Darren, he’s a bit of a lad” you could say, because it was the politest way to imply that Darren was a twat.
Not now, though. Now LAD is all uppercase. If lad was a bumblebee, then LAD is one of those weaponised killer bees that have been genetically modified to murder people just by staring at them.
Being a LAD basically means being a superlad; that where once you could have read Loaded and been partly shielded by the veneer of irony, now you just swan around with your top off outside Wetherspoons, shouting “UNK! TITS!” at people and then stabbing someone.
Also, LAD isn’t an acronym for anything, because the only possible acronym for LAD would be Lesbian Android Duck, and I’m pretty sure that LADs hate those more than anything.
2 - LADs enjoy saying the word LADAlmost every comment on TrueLAD has the word LAD in it somewhere, often used as the latter half of a compound. For example, the first page alone includes the terms ‘refLAD’, ‘shitLAD’, ‘footballLAD’, ‘worthdoingtimeforLAD’ and ‘curiousLAD’.
Poor curiousLAD isn’t a real LAD, though. Being curious about things is for gays.
3 - LADs enjoy banterHere’s what banter is: think of your favourite joke. Now shorten as many words as you can. Now make it more aggressive. Now change all the words to ‘Poof’ and shout it at someone as loudly as you can while you’re kicking them repeatedly in the ribs. There! Banter!
4 - To be a LAD, you must constantly rate all women out of tenA comment left on TrueLAD last week:
‘Turned on the women's beach volleyball expecting to see 9/10's jumping around in bikinis, the best I have seen so far is one 6/10 and the rest are all 5/10 at best, disappointedLAD’.
Now, I haven’t looked into this too deeply, but presumably there’s some sort of standardised scoring system at play here, otherwise the entire endeavour becomes an embarrassingly unregulated sham.
For example, what separates a 5/10 from a 6/10? A monobrow? Slightly asymmetrical eyes? Hypertension? It must be something specific, otherwise a LAD might one day accidentally rate a 5/10 as a 6/10 and bestow eternal shame on all other LADs.
Fortunately, thanks to another comment, we do know the tangible difference that separates a 7/10 from an 8/10:
‘I was at a restaurant with my missus (decent 7/10, top banter, great rack) when this fit-as waitress struts by (8/10, 2 buttons undone on her top, great rack). I scanned the menu for an innuendo meal before attracting her attention. She came over (legs up to her arse), I asked if she's ever tried 'the spicy sausage' mealLAD. Needless to say my bird wasn't too impressed. RestaurantLAD’
There. A woman might be blessed with a great rack and the toppest banter in the world, but that alone isn’t enough to guarantee a score of over 7/10.
To get bumped up to 8/10, your legs have to go up to your arse. The minimum requirement of being an 8/10 is literally having legs that are physically long enough to reach your arse. If they stop a couple of inches short, requiring your torso to float awkwardly above them, or if they’re too long and go all the way up to your clavicle, then you’re forever doomed to be a 7/10 at best. Sorry ladies.
5 - LADs are huge fans of genteel family-based American sitcoms.Another TrueLAD comment: ‘Being up early isn't all bad everybodylovesraymondLAD’.
Don’t like Everybody Loves Raymond? Well FUCK OFF then, you POOF.
In conclusion:I don’t know why LAD is capitalised, I don’t like Everybody Loves Raymond, I don’t score anything out of ten, I barely use the word LAD and I think that everybody who has ever used the term ‘banter’ should die in a fire. Can I have a new headline, please? [no --Rebecca]
Stuart is tweetingLAD @stuheritage.