I'm Trapped on This Flight With No Wi-Fi, Let Us Make Fun of Sky Mall Fashion

Why yes, I'm a member of the mile high club!

Sep 10, 2012 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

Being a Mile High Club member, I know a little something about killing time on an airplane. Right now I am flying home from Texas, where I have been for the past week. 
 
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This is supposed to be like I'm flying, dig?

 
I'm flying Southwest, the SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP airline, and this plane doesn’t have Wi-Fi as advertised. Now I can’t work on the post I had planned, because I need to do some research for it. I’ve realized the reason fashion mags are good is because those broads have an army of researchers at their disposal. I was supposed to be writing about these magical pants that will change your life. Next time.
 
So instead, I’m going to sit in my chair in the sky and make fun of the stuff in the new Sky Mall catalog, which is probably one of my most beloved leisure activities anyway. I usually just rip out the pages of stuff that I find hilarious for future reference, so if you’ve ever picked up a Sky Mall mag that was missing pages, you have me to thank.
 
Here’s a “Honey Badger Don’t Care” T-shirt, almost 2 full years after I first saw the Honey Badger video. Very timely.
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"Honey Badger Don't Care" tee, $17.95.

Not only is the maker of this garment a little more than slightly late to the party, I think the money quote from the video is  actually “Honey Badger don’t give a shit.” The Sky Mall is obviously trying to make this shirt appropriate to wear on a "family-friendly" Southwest flight.
 
I love how in the Sky Mall catalog, whenever they show any accessory meant for an iPad, iPhone or laptop, they have to go to the trouble to specify that the electronic device in question is not actually included. (Just for those of you who thought you could get this wristband iPhone holder along with the iPhone itself for $39.99.) Do they really have people calling up, claiming they were misled? I think this accessory was made so you can still text people while donating blood.
 
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Wristband iPhone holder, $39.99.

 
This ad with Lisa Rinna, Adrianne Curry, some dude I've never heard of, and Denise Richards touting how The Flex Belt has taken their abs to a “whole other level” is just TOO MUCH. 
 
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Are they really trying to fool people with the idea that you can passively exercise? This cannot still sell. I especially like that they helpfully point out you can “read a book, watch TV, return emails, or check in on Facebook” while The Flex Belt casually provides you with what it calls “the perfect ab workout.” Yeah, it totally flexes your muscles so you don’t have to. Go ahead and sit there with a cookie and a milkshake. 
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The Flex Belt ab toner, $199.99.

WAIT, WHAT???? The Flex Belt is $199.00. THAT’S ALMOST TWO HUNDRED BONES. I died. I am dead. We have flown into some Twilight Zone time/space continuum where it’s no longer 2012 and everyone is an idiot.
 
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Lisa totes would never lie to you.

 
The person sitting next to me thinks I'm insane because I am taking all these close-up photos of the Sky Mall catalog.
 
I wish they had The Flex Belt available on this very plane so I could try it out. The best flight I ever took was a 14-hour Quantas trek to Australia. They had a special fancy Sky Mall catalog with the actual products right there on the plane! I bought an enormous $400 Dior makeup palette and spent the next 2 hours inexpertly smearing it all over my face. My travel-mate woke up from a nap and screamed when she saw me.
 
That was the same flight where I was standing by the lavatory and asked the flight attendant, “Do you smell hay?” She put her finger to her lips, pulled back a curtain, and 3 Royal Lipizzaner stallions were standing there. Now that I’m really thinking about it a little more, they may have just been regular horses made far more impressive by being allowed in the cabin of an airplane. Quantas is such an enlightened airline.
 
Jesus, there are now off-brand Spanx for men, called "Insta Slim."
 
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"Insta Slim" men's compression shirts, $24.95/$29.95.

 
Yes, man-Spanx are a real thing:
 
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Spanx for men, $58.00.

 
I have a good man-Spanx story for you: On my last show, we had a male actor who was always bitching about his gut. So I bought him a man-Spanx! I wish you could have seen my key costumer’s face when I pulled it off the rack and suggested to him. She thought for sure he was going to flip out on me and be offended that I was suggesting he was “fat.” 
 
HA! Actors are even more vain than actresses. He ended up with a dozen of them in his show closet, wore them even in his personal life, and they were the one thing he wanted to steal from his character’s wardrobe when the show was eventually cancelled.
 
The Houdini Collection dress is what made me write this in the first place. I want to make sure you have this straight: The manufacturer is suggesting that you can wear this one single dress 12 different ways, thereby eliminating the need to pack more than one garment for a 12-day trip. 
 
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Houdini 12-in-1 black dress, $119.00.

 
BOARDROOM TO BALLROOM! I specifically love the autoerotic asphyxiation styling suggestion given here:
 
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I just wasted a good 28 minutes laughing at that picture. The Houdini Collection dress comes complete with an instructional DVD. I just accidentally typed un-instructional. Sometimes I think my fingers know more of what I’m trying to say than my own brain.
 
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, why are they showing it worn over white pants?
 
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The Houdini also comes in a black and white striped top version, which sounds horrific enough on paper, but is actually even worse in action.
 
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For some reason the black dress only comes up to a size 12, but the striped top comes up to a size 22.
 
The pilot is yammering about making our initial descent into LAX, so that’s all I have time for, THANK GOD FOR YOU.
 
Oh -- and until I was about 24 years old, I thought being a member of the “Mile High Club" meant taking a poop on an airplane. So yeah, duh, of course I'm a member!
 
(I’m on Twitter, although I’m not sure why: @IveyAlison)