The following phone conversation was one of the last I ever had with a boss.
"Oh, hey. Is everything all right?"
"Sure is. What's up?"
"Well, I was just wondering, because you weren't at your desk and no one's seen you this morning, so --."
"Oh, that's because I'm at home."
I'm not one for excuses. I can't fake an aging aunt's death, a gross medical situation that requires immediate attention or even a plain ol' cough. With me, a boss will get the cold, hard and often-times lazy truth. "Because I didn't feel like it," was never an acceptable excuse growing up, so once I was a grown up, I wore that alibi out like a 90s sitcom catchphrase.
Needless to say, I no longer have to lie about the metro running late or my face hurting too much to look at things because I'm my own boss and I can't, in fact, fire myself. I've tried. Still I consider it something of a life "L" that I never got to use what my BFF thinks is the ultimate get out of jail free card: "explosive diarrhea."
Some excuses are too gross to not be true. Once my friend Bob, who was the head of his department, called an employee who was late getting back to the newsroom after a photography assignment. And do you know what this kid said? Apparently, he was on his way back the office, just driving down the Beltway, when he got a sudden urge to burp. BUT when he went to burp instead of actually, you know, burping he threw up all over himself. And that's why he was late.
According to CareerBuilder's annual "sick day" study, 30 percent of employees have gotten real imaginative with their mental days from a dog's "nervous breakdown" to having a broken heart to suffering from post-"Hunger Games" traumatic stress syndrome.
"Many employers will allow employees to use their sick days for mental health days to recharge," said Jennifer Sullivan Grasz, vice-president of corporate communications at CareerBuilder, in the Daily News article. "So it's better to be up front with your manager."
So then why do so many people feel the need to lie? Besides the fact that some employees, in fact, don't get sick days or "me time," I think honesty just takes all the fun out of playing hooky. Like, would the popcorn at that matinee showing of "Pitch Perfect" taste as sweet if your boss didn't think you were at home puking up purple stuff? I think not.
So spill, all you xoJane slackers. I wanna know what you've been telling your boss. Maybe we can create some kinda master list of "Me Day" responses like how Anna Kendrick did for firing people in "Up in the Air." But be careful because that's how you could end up if your boss is trolling.