How To Hang Out On The Nude Beach Without Being A Creep

No one wants to see your grundle in crow pose. 



Aug 20, 2013 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

My second week living in Hawai'i, I was riding my bike when a neighbor popped out of his house to say hello. I recognized him immediately as a friend of my mother, a 60-something-year-old man I had met casually. He waved. I waved. He invited me and my partner to brunch on Sunday. Normal neighborly behavior, right? Except he was ass naked.
 
After we chatted for a few moments, he looked down at himself, laughed in surprise and exclaimed, “Oh! I'm naked!” Still laughing, he waved goodbye and walked back inside.



Nudity just seems to be no big deal out here. The beach next to my house is "clothing optional." The pool I splash about in is “clothing optional.” I'm pretty sure my entire neighborhood is “clothing optional.”

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I'm smiling because I'm naked. Photo by nude pool rule breaker CH.

 
After a couple months of trial and error and rampant (inappropriate?) people watching, I've figured out proper nakey beach etiquette.
 
No gawking. This is the most important! Don't be that asshole nude beach newb staring at everyone's junk. Nude beaches are all about the personal experience -- you want to feel liberated. This doesn't align with staring at everyone else's liberated bits. It's hard to feel liberated when you simultaneously feel like everyone is staring at you.
 
A chronic people watcher, this has been way hard. “I'm sorry sir, I don't mean to stare, but I've been sitting here for the past 20 minutes wondering if you're a grower or a shower” is not how you make friends. Try not to stare, and if you have to, at least use your peripherals. Also, big sunglasses.
 
Enjoy yourself BUT be aware of others. I know I said that nude beaches are all about the personal experience, but you can still be aware of others around you.



Doing yoga/tai chi/qigong is cool, and saluting the sun sans clothes is probably a glorious feeling. However, nude beach goers, if you're standing a foot away from the wave break whilst doing calisthenics, odds are you're also standing a foot in front of the exact spot that everyone else had been peacefully staring at until you sauntered up and began doing jumping jacks.



This is a real problem at my nearby beach. One minute I'm sitting in the sand, enjoying the view of the ocean, ohhhhhm, when someone will walk directly in front of me and start stretching. No one wants to see your grundle in crow pose. 



So, nude yogis, please do your yoga at the beach, but just do it in the back or to the side, and not in everyone else's direct line of vision. I'm trying to avoid the temptation to gawk, and your nude Hanumanasana is not helping!

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Nude beach from above! Generally a dick idea to take photos at the nude beach, unless you're far away and very very stealthy.





Expect to see the sexbits of everyone you know. If your nude beach is in the community where you live, expect to see all your neighbors and friends there. Brace yourself for it! If you don't want to see them naked -- or you don't want them to see you naked -- then don't go to the beach.



About three weeks into my new living situation, I was chilling at the beach when I saw a casual acquaintance, a friend of a friend I was still getting to know. I will call him Brett. He waved. I waved. He came over. I learned how long his dick was. 
 
Spending an evening drinking around a fire did not necessarily mean I was ready to see his manbits, but I had to put on my game face to avoid saying something stupid (“Nice dick.”). I was at a NUDE beach. What did I expect?



No photos. I kind of broke this rule to get the photo for this post, but I took it from the roadway above to avoid immortalizing anyone else's sex parts on the Interwebs without permission. But really, don't pull your camera out on the nude beach, you dick. I don't care if you want to snapchat the nude flautists.


Respect personal space. It's one thing to be cool with hanging at the nude beach, and it's another thing to be cool with hugging at the nude beach. Not everyone is down with nude cuddling, so unless they are drowning, please refrain from touching strangers at the nude beach. Man, I sound like such a prude!

Basically, act like nudity is no big deal. Human bodies are cool, we all have some sort of sex organ, so let's try not to stare at each other's and just enjoy swimming/reading/sun bathing/doing yoga (on the sidelines!), or whatever.
 
Have you ever been to a nude beach/pool/park/community? Are you a nudist? Are you a nevernude? Does your partner tell you to put clothes on, like mine did?



Zoe lives and writes (sometimes nude) in Hawaii. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.