Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
Lesley has been keeping you all apprised of some of the more hideous offerings this Halloween season, from the racist to the puerile to the just bizarre. But it's Halloween night, and that means there's still time for one more round of headscratchers from the costuming department. Or, you know, a last-minute costume change. No judging here.
Look, I get the sexy animal thing. I do. It's a little cliche and overdone, but whatever floats your boat, you know? There's got to be a reason it's a time-honored tradition. And I'm sure there's a very good explanation for the fact that it's virtually impossible to find plus-size sexy animal costumes or versions designed for men. Like, maybe I was just looking on the wrong part of the Internet! Or perhaps all those costumes sold out because they were such big hits. Yeah, that's totally it.
Sexy penguins, though? I mean, really? Did I mention that this barnstormer will cost you almost 150 smackaroos? Oh, and that's just for the dress. You'll have to pay extra for those sweet legwarmers and gloves. That's how they getcha. With the legwarmers.
Speaking of legwarmers and creatures of the frosty north, here's a sexy wolf for your perusal. I think the idea is that the strategically placed strips of fur are supposed to be evocative of wolfiness, or something. The faint whiff of cultural appropriation is like a pleasant side bonus.
Here, though, here we have a classic. The sexy bunny! What, you're not getting bunny wabbit out of this? You just need to use your imagination a little more, kids. Does everything have to be obvious to satisfy you? You're so demanding! You're sure to stir up some trouble when you show up in this, the costume description assures us. Yeah, trouble from people opposed to cameltoe.
Apparently the bizarre hipster predilection for rompers has spilled over into the costuming industry. Actually, I think I might be in the romper-hating minority here on xoJane. Perhaps some of you can weigh in on this pressing issue in comments.
OK, fine, enough tangents, here's a real sexy bunny:
What, don't your bunnies wear vague approximations of tuxedos? And again with the romper. Polyester, to boot. If that doesn't make your genitals itch at the very thought, I don't know what to tell you.
Perhaps you'd prefer to go as a -- hang on. What is this? It appears to have bits of fur on it, so I'm guessing it's supposed to be a mammal of some sort. And it's brown and mostly solid, so that rules out some mammals, at least. Like lemurs. This here is definitely not a lemur. Or a lion.
Oh, it's a sexy teddy bear! Of course! Now that you mention it, I can totally see the resemblance. Definitely. Looks exactly like my childhood teddy bear. Can't believe I missed that.
This sexy tiger is getting down with her bad self. You know she's a tiger because she's got orange and black stripes. And, er, some sort of animal face on her head. We shall ignore, for the time being, the mesmerizing clash of fabrics used in the garment construction.
You'll be the terror of all the local seals in this sexy polar bear costume. Which will apparently keep you snuggly warm even though your legs are totally exposed, through the miracle of SCIENCE. Or racism, I'm not sure. Check out that igloo.
You might be thinking: "But, s.e., this is a sexy FAIRY, not a sexy animal! This doesn't belong in this post!" You'd be wrong, though, because it's actually a sexy hummingbird, and I know because the costume description says so. Costume descriptions, as we know, are never wrong, because they convey the authorial intent of the creator.
"She loves to suck sweet nectar."
Do you ever wake up feeling like a peacock just exploded all over you? Then this is definitely the costume for you. For only $209.95, you, too, can be a sexy peacock, living the high life in all your feathered glory and enduring cock jokes all night.
Seriously, though. I'm not bagging on people who want to wear sexy fill-in-the-blank costumes, but I find myself amazed every single Halloween by the dizzying heights of objectification costume companies manage to reach. Every year, I think they can't possibly top themselves the next year, and when the following Halloween rolls around, they totally manage to outdo themselves. Striking, too, that the bulk of sexy Halloween costumes are marketed at white women who wear straight sizes; that tells us a lot about who is supposed to be viewed as sexually appealing in this culture.
What are you going as/did you go as this year? Can you top the reader who went as Emily last year? Myself, I'll be going as a sexy freelance writer, which means I'll be wearing pajamas and pounding the keyboard until the small hours of the morning, guzzling down tea and dreaming of invoicing.
Not enough sexy costumes for you? Don't worry, Lesley's got you covered. Or, uh, uncovered, in this case.