Five Slut-Enabling (And Possibly Imaginary) Products To Expedite A Summer Of Sexing

As a hot-blooded American woman, I expect corporations to create products for all my needs and neuroses and am appalled by the dearth of products in the slut category.

Jul 30, 2013 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

Summer is in full swing and you know what that means: it's time to do ho shit. Hopefully you've spent the last few weeks optimizing your wardrobe for maximum sluttery and are ready to grab a cold beverage, a friend with pool access, and a pocketful of tickets to your bone zone to hand out to the luckiest boys of summer. 
 
Now in my game, the top priorities are safety and secrecy. Safety because duh. Secrecy because it’s kind of fun to pretend you're a good girl but have a secret skanky side. And also because the world still insists on harshing the mellows of women who are sexually active and not ashamed of it.  
 
As a hot-blooded American woman, I expect corporations to create products for all my needs and neuroses and am appalled by the dearth of products in the slut category.  Below are my product pitches for a safe and sexy slut season. 
 
Multi-Sized Packs of Condoms
 
I read a statistic years ago about how over 80% of women carry lip balm with them at all times but some abysmally low number of them keep condoms around. We can do better ladies. The trouble is that if your game is good, you are getting a variety of sizes and textures. And I’m tired of my pharmacist giving me mad side-eye whenever I buy in variety and in bulk.
 
The people in the Period Industrial Complex seem to realize that what comes out of a lady will vary in volume, so why haven’t the folks at Condoms, Incorporated figured out the same about what goes into her?
 
This product also plays to the need for secrecy.  If you bring a normal-sized dude home and you reach for the Magnums you had left over from your last piece, he might get self-conscious and underperform. You’ll have to reassure him that it’s not the size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean.
 
Don’t actually say that though, both because you are not the office pervert in a workplace comedy in the 1990s and because, well, it’s just not entirely true.  
 
With a multipack nearby, you can eyeball and handball for size needs and covertly choose accordingly.  Also, you won’t have to go the extra mile to the CVS that has self-checkout to avoid getting shade from the counter person. 
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I’ll take one of each, plz.

 
Timers for Tablet and Smartphone Cameras for Better Selfies 
 
My mother had a brief but passionate love affair with a T-Rex in the mid 1980s that resulted in my conception.  I had the good fortune to get her face but I ended up his arm length: height ratio.  This makes taking the perfect suggestive selfie almost impossible.  The picture is always just a few steps too close and the shadow of the phone is in it, making it look serious low-budget.  
 
A timer that lets you get into position gives you way more options and angles.  Also, if you like to make dudes a little jealous, they will think that someone else took the picture and start blowing up your phone to stay on your radar.  
 
I know that sending slutty selfies is a no-no in keeping your slut game under wraps but with the magic of Snapchat, it’s reasonably safe.  Nothing lights up a day like that adorably slutty little ghost alerting someone that you’ve left something in their inbox. Also, rules were made to be broken so selfie-away.   
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The Smashing Safe-for-Work Sexy Selfie.

 
The Rubber Christmas Tree Skirt for Dicks 
 
Now the product title needs re-working by a marketing whizkid but you got a mental picture, right?  It would wrap around the base of the shaft and protect both the lady and the gentleman from the nefarious STDs that pass through skin-to-skin contact. I thought that herpes was the only one that did that but some quick Googling revealed a host of other ailments that pass thusly.  
 
"But Alana, what man on EARTH would willingly wear this decidedly unsexy device?" You may be thinking. I know, it’s weird. But if I had a time machine, I’d take it back to the room where latex condoms had their first sales pitch and I'm almost certain the response was, "You want me to put a WHAT on my WHAT while I WHAT?!?!?" 
 
Actually, if I had a time machine, I wouldn't take it there, I would take it to the room in Hollywood where the Weekend at Bernie's script got the greenlight. 'Cause seriously, what did they say?!? "Picture this fellas: A crooked boss is murdered by a mob crew in a deal gone sour. Two numbskull employees spend a weekend fucking around with his corpse. It's a buddy comedy. And yes, the corpse has a sex scene." I’ve written some things on spec and want to be coached by these masters.  But I digress. 
 
A handsome celebrity spokesmodel would help us get a critical mass of men to partake. My personal nomination would be Mark Ruffalo, because he seems like a good feminist on Twitter and he's foxy. 
 
Adorable Little Urinary Tract Caps 
 
Nothing pulls a slut's streak to a screeching, scorching halt quite like a UTI, and the combination of swampy weather and increasingly treatment-resistant super-bacteria (ask your friends in the scientific fields about this, that shit is CRAY and we are DOOMED) means that UTIs are more and more likely to interfere with your game. 
 
For plenty-o-ladies, devoted condom use, peeing after sex and keeping things super fresh isn't enough to stop these menaces. You don't have to be a slut to be predisposed to UTIs but boy, does it help. 
 
 A urinary tract cap that comes in cute colors or better yet, with rhinestones, would protect the area from these unpleasant interruptions.  It is perfect for the lady that loves to add a sparkly touch but fears the permanence of a genital piercing and has too much dignity to Vajazzle. It's protective and it's festive! 
 
I imagine it like a contact lens in that the way it sticks is kind of magical. It's disposable and you just pee it off after. If you are an optometrist tempted to tell me that there's nothing magical about contact lenses in the comments, please don't ruin the magic. Similarly, if you're a urologist ready to tell me why this would never work, refrain and let a girl dream. 
 
Single Outfit Suction Bags for Your Stride of Pride
 
You know those bags from infomercials that you can stuff 25 sweaters into, vacuum the air out through a hole to make the bag super tiny, and then store it under your bed? Yeah, I don't need that. 25 sweaters? What kind of fancy trick do you take me for, late-night television?  
 
What I need is a bag that holds one outfit that can be vacuumed (or sucked the old-fashioned way) into a teeny tiny space and go into a small purse, undetectable by suitors. Because if a man sees that you've brought an outfit for the next day, he knows that you were DTF from the word “Go” and will stop trying to woo you.  And you, madame, deserve all the wooing in the world.  
 
Also, strutting into your workplace in your outfit from the day before is a good ways to get office gossip going.  And if there is to be office gossip about you, it should always be started by you and be really fabulous. 
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And I said to myself, ‘There’s gotta be a better way.’

 
 
These are my five personal requests of New Product Development teams.  Tell me your slutty dream products in the comments.