5 Things A Plus-Sized Lady Should Absolutely Never Do When Online Dating

Ideally you should not show up at someone's door drunkenly singing "You Must Love Me" from Evita - but that one's kind of universal.

Jul 22, 2013 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

While I appreciate the thoughtfulness that went into this list of online dating do’s and don’ts for plus-sized women, something about it left a bad taste in my mouth.

Admittedly, that could be in large part because I woke up this morning and walked over to my coffee pot and was like “Oh hey cool! There is coffee from yesterday in here! ICE COFFEE IT IS” but as I am most inured to the effects of eating and drinking things in various states of rot, I must be turn back to the article as the source for my gastrointestinal distress. 

It’s interesting in theory to compile a list of online dating for plus-sized dames like myself on the prowl for unfamiliar genitals and faces to acquaint ourselves with. The problem with the list as it’s presented though, is that it reinforces the idea that plus-sized ladies have to go into dating with a different set of expectations.

That makes all of my parts sad. Sure, there are absolutely do’s and don’ts when it comes to dating online - but they don’t change contingent upon the dater’s pants size. 

As generalized rules for online dating, these aren’t bad. Stuff like ‘Always be honest about who you are and how you look’ is solid. Regardless of your size or any other distinguishing personal characteristic, being truthful in presentation is important because (duh) it shows you as a person of trustworthiness, and also, a person who isn’t ashamed of who they are.

But some of the other items seem to toss a little shade. ‘You teach others how you want to be treated’ is a cool idea in theory, but even if you’ve got this self-acceptance thing down, you can’t teach a gaggle of pre-teens biking past you on the street that you don’t want them to call you any assortment of rude names. 

At the end of the day, I think there is only one rule for online dating and for life, and that is, in the immortal words of Bill and Ted: Be Excellent To Each Other. That all squared away, let’s bring on the funny, with a list of 5 Things A Plus-Sized Lady Should Absolutely Never Do When Online Dating:

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(i <3 u) 

1. Pick A Punny User Name

Worried about how your potential date might handle the news that you are every bit as luscious as depicted in your profile pics? Put it all out there with your user name. For example, here are some names I have used to cut down on confusion: CakeEater, Beccaomnomnom, BeccaGotBack83.

2. Be Aggressively Confident

On a first date with a guy you’ve met online and he’s being sexy-sweet, saying something like, “You’re so beautiful”? Be sure to bark back at him “OF COURSE I AM BEAUTIFUL - WHAT? DO YOU THINK BEAUTY IS THE EXCLUSIVE PROVENANCE OF THE THIN?” Then - hit him.

3. Play By The Numbers

So you’ve begun to flirt with a potential date over Al Gore’s greatest invention - the interwebs. Bully for you! But before things go any further, be sure to communicate to your would-be paramour that you have slept with thousands of people whether it is true or not - that he knows other people have found you to be desirable is key to your happiness. 

4. Reverse Psychology 

A guy messages you! He’s found your profile witty, your interests complementary to his own, and your looks stoke his engine. To be sure that he really, really means it, respond to his request for a date as follows: “Thanks so much, but I know you are just asking me out to be nice:(“ Then sit back, and let the games begin! 

5. Food Food Food!

You’re on your second date and you’ve gone from a glass of wine to a full-blown dinner! This is exciting! To be extra sure that you keep his interest don’t eat in front of him! It’s one thing to be a fatty, but another thing entirely to be a fatty who eats food for enjoyment and sustenance. #uncute.

Sad truths: in some less dramatic forms - each item is something I’ve totally be guilty of doing in one borked way or another. It’s crazy to me how willing we can be to sabotage our own happiness. Let’s not do that anymore!

Okay gang, I showed you mine - show me yours: what’s the biggest mistake you’ve made when dating online?