This Week's (Mercury Retrograde Is Actually Over But Your Life May Still Suck) Horoscopes, in Emoji Format

You're a libra, aren't ya darlin'? is a reference I really hope you understand.
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You're a libra, aren't ya darlin'? is a reference I really hope you understand.

I was pleased to see last week that I wasn’t the only one suffering at the merciless hands of Mercury Retrograde. So many of you shared just how much she was interfering in every aspect of your life. And then, just as quickly as the blizzard of Jonas came and melted away — at least here in the streets of NYC, where we’ve been forced to sidestep puddles of ice water dirt slush — Mercury disappeared from our lives (she’ll return for a second act in mid-May).

As I looked back today to dissect my emoji horoscope — which I wrote for my crab sign and yours last week around this time — I realize it was eerily accurate...

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My week started off with me falling in love (heart emoji) with an actor (drama emoji)…a man who is not my boyfriend. A man known as Thor.

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Here I am looking like a genetically inferior human being standing next to Chris Hemsworth. I met him at an event I went to for Australian tourism where they make you watch their highly-produced new campaign video, for which Chris does the sexy voiceover. It made me want to go to Australia, but the flight is really long so I booked a trip to Cuba instead (more on that soon).

Then, on Tuesday night, Jane and I had a happy hour with Deb (our boss) where the conversation turned to meditation, and a whole lot of '80s bands out of Florida and Georgia. On the subject of '80s bands and cultural references I do not understand, I smiled and pretended like I knew who they were talking about. Apparently, you are “a baby” when you’re 30, which is strange, because I feel as old as dirt now. I hope no one else does this at my age, but I find myself regularly comparing my looks and body-type to that of 20 year-olds and not liking what I'm seeing. The thought of having to do this same shit in my 40s, 50s and 60s is just terrifying. I'd personally like to skip ages 40-69 and just go from 39 to 70 because, let’s face it — no one cares what you look like or what your body looks like by the time you hit 70…you’re just lucky to be breathing air at that point.

Where I was really going before that tangent was that things have been cloudy recently (cloud emoji) and when the topic of mediation came up, I realized, like group exercise classes it was something I’ve vehemently tried to avoid throughout my life, but I wasn’t exactly sure why. I made a commitment to try it and got the opportunity the very next day in a strange twist of fate. The outcome: I like meditation, I don’t find it life-changing in any regard, but I can see the benefits of doing it on a semi-regular basis and am currently searching for guided meditation videos on YouTube.

On Thursday, I paid my Amex bill (hence my entire salary flying away in one emoji) and on Thursday I got drunk at happy hour with my best friend (red heel). So overall, the most accurate emoji horoscope there ever could be.

Now, without further ado, I leave you with your emoji horoscopes for the week:

ARIES

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TAURUS

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GEMINI

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CANCER

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LEO

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VIRGO

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LIBRA

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SCORPIO

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SAGITTARIUS

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CAPRICORN

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AQUARIUS

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PISCES

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Was your horoscope accurate last week?

Have you ever been to Cuba?

Are there guided meditation YouTube videos you can recommend for me?