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This Week's (Mercury-Retrograde Is Almost Over) Horoscopes, in Emoji Format Because Who Likes Words?

What’s your favorite emoji to overuse?
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Publish date:
January 24, 2016
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I was sitting in a meeting with my boss Deb — the one you don’t know well yet — and then with my other boss Jane — the one you know quite well — when I had a certain kind of oh, crap, this is going to keep me up tonight so I’d better drink all the wine I can at this event I’m going to kind of feeling yesterday, and I know I’m not alone because a lot of the xoStaffers have been feeling it lately too. There’s this malaise after the holidays and a sort of corresponding grace period where it’s like back-to-school time at work, but then it all starts to set in. It’s almost February, grace period is over, work is getting stressful and more complicated, things are changing in a way you didn’t predict or control and yes, you still have to deal with it. It’s also Mercury Retrograde, which means everything you think you know about normalcy is currently on vacation somewhere in the Caribbean. Which is probably where we should all be right now.

Despite the fact that I don’t fuck with Mercury (see below), I have been having a lot of conflict lately. I was in the salad line at Chop’t yesterday when I saw what I should have taken as an omen (not the good kind) for what was to come later last night. I ignored it, intent on getting my fancy, overpriced $16 lunch (I have never been more excited for the return of Time Inc’s subsidized cafeteria…more on that soon). But ignoring THE FREAKING UNIVERSE giving me a sign, I spent a somewhat uncomfortable night with a person who can’t help but remind me of a time period in my life I’d rather like to forget. I have no ill will towards this specific person…they are just a reminder. And I’m not trying to be all coy here, I actually cannot divulge details for legal reasons.

After pitching Jane the idea for this post, she wrote me an e-mail saying “I seriously can’t wait for your Emoji horoscope this weekend. I have had nothing but conflict with people yesterday and today. What is going on, oh wise Emoji?"

I am neither wise nor an astrologer, but all of this got me thinking that I need to be paying attention to my horoscope much more closely. And because I have a short attention span and my preferred method of communication is emojis, I’ve decided to decode this upcoming week’s horoscopes for me and for you via that medium. My thought process here is that physically reading horoscopes — while important — is painful, but seeing them in emoji form is less painful.

Let’s also get this over with while we’re at it:

Jane: ScorpioDan: CancerMarci: AriesAmber: Sagittarius

Decipher what these horoscopes that I read on AstroTwins.com mean (remember them from the SASSY mag days?), weigh it up against your own upcoming week, and then set the comments on fire with your input.

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

LIBRA

SCORPIO

SAGITTARIUS

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

Last thing: You may ask yourself, when does Mercury end? 1:50p ET this coming Monday, I know this because I have the appropriately titled IsMercuryinRetrograde.com set on the home screen on my browser. My best friend and I like to know when exactly mercury falls, partly because everything goes wrong for me when it’s happening and everything goes right for her (because everything normally goes wrong for her otherwise).

Now, what is your astrological sign and how does it reflect who you are or a person— or not?

What’s the craziest garbage thing that’s ever happened to you during Mercury Retrograde?

Which astrologers do you read on a weekly basis (asking for a friend).