Bang Befriend Ban: Republican Edition

Sara Benincasa
Publish date:
Social count:

Now I'm new here at XOJane, but if there's one thing I know, it's that we do not advocate killing anybody, even in an imaginary party game sort of way. But why should that stop us from playing "Fuck, Marry, Kill?"

Surely you're familiar with that particular time-waster. It's a glorious enterprise in which the lucky contestant is given the option of (consensually) shtupping, wedding or murdering three different famous people. I invented a less violent version of the game called "Bang, Befriend, Ban" and decided to apply it to the three leading Republican presidential candidates (sorry, Ron Paul.)

I threw the query out to the usual social media outlets (








) and chose a few responses to inspire me before I made my own decision on this all-important topic of political discourse. I was especially tickled when a few international teens weighed in, and I imagine you'll enjoy their responses as well as the others.

"Based on looks: bang Rick, ban Newt and befriend Mitt. (Mind you I don't really know who any of them are.)" – Sami, 17, Melbourne

"Start a petition to ban Santorum from ever talking publicly about anything involving private lady parts that he does not possess, ever again. Propose a new law saying that it’s illegal to ever use the words 'Newt' and 'bang' in the same sentence. Then, befriend Romney so he can buy the votes necessary to actually make these two things happen." – Dionne, age withheld, Delaware

"OMG, they're all old! But ugh, okay..bang Rick Santorum because he looks the youngest, befriend Mitt Romney because he looks friendly and ban Newt Gingrich because he just looks old and cranky." – Nazaneen, 18, Toronto

"I'd bang Romney. He's attractive enough and you can't be THAT bad in bed when you have a marriage that long. I'm into the Mormon missionary position. Get it? I'd befriend Gingrich. As much as it hurts me, I think I could be social with him. He's pretty dang arrogant but then again, don't we all have friends that can be? I'd ban Santorum. This guy just says shit I can't believe. He's like old timey in a really bad the bad stuff only." – Raeanne, 32, Montreal

"I'm not attracted to men. However, if I was forced to choose, I'd bang Santorum (partially because it would so aggravate him), befriend Romney (he could take me to his various houses), and ban Gingrich (because he is simply a horrible example of a human being)." – Michael, 20, Pennsylvania

"I'd befriend Mitt and Newt, to talk with them and make my liberal arguments stronger. I'm seriously offended by Santorum's thinly veiled prejudice so it really wouldn't work out with us as friends. I'd ban him from my life but not public life, because I believe in free speech no matter how freaking offensive it is." – Allison, 29, New York

"Ban all of them. They're misguided, sad people." – Ethan, 16, London

"I figure pegging Santorum would be rewarding for the gay community…the others are hard. Befriend Romney, ban Gingrich." – Lauren, 21, New York

So, OK. I really thought about this one while hanging out on my couch on Saturday night (I was on deadline for about 8 different things, and was having nervous spasms about

my book coming out Tuesday

, so I decided to stay in rather than go to one of the many high society balls to which I am always invited.)

I'll start with my easiest choice. While I briefly considered an elaborate scheme in which I'd bang Santorum and deliberately get pregnant in order to stress him out and really put his "Abortion? Hell no!" assertion to the test (figuring he'd still want me to have the kid but would give me some of that sweet new coin he's been raking in, just so I'd keep my mouth shut), I got nauseous thinking about the substance named after him. Have you ever been around it? I have. It's not fun.

This is part of my absolute and complete opposition to anal sex, which is probably the only thing about which young Ricky and I share as a common view. So, in short -- Santorum? BAN.

Now this left me with a rather tricky choice, similar to the one Lauren of New York faced above. I'd really prefer not to bang either one of these gents. Romney is very handsome, but I can't believe he's got any sweet moves in bed. I genuinely think he's probably a devout LDS fellow who hasn't known many women in the Book of Mormon sense, and I can't imagine he's ever had his face in pussy, because don't those people (like the evangelical Christians) believe sex should be reserved exclusively for procreative purposes?

Ultimately, I chose to befriend Romney. He probably sends great birthday presents, and surely he could spare some of that hard-earned cash to help a sista out with her credit card debt or a down payment on a nice apartment, right? Plus, I like the sound of his voice and would really enjoy hearing the voicemails he'd leave me to check in from the campaign trail and say hi.

That leaves one man to bang, and what a man he is! Three wives and countless unknown mistresses can't be wrong. Newt, I'm ready. Email me at when you get tired of gobbling Callista's Turkish delights.

So here's your fun/gross assignment for the day -- which one would you bang, befriend or ban? Remember to back up your answer with a thorough and cogent explanation. And no, you can't just ban them all. Enjoy!