Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
As a social media strategist (yes, that's what I do), I constantly see folks using the web wrong, Facebook especially. Facebook timelines were already the stuff of stalkers' wet dreams. But this new fangled timeline is telling all my business in just one or two clicks. So while I've always been choosy about who I'm adding to my friends list, I need to get even choosy-er. Because there are some folks I just don't want in my FB life -- ever. In random order they are:
People who never spoke to me in college or high schoolIf we matriculated at the same institution for 4 years or more and never thought to speak to one another, we might as well continue that streak. If you ignored my awesomeness (and I didn’t recognize yours) while we were on campus, then we clearly weren’t meant to be friends.
My ParentsMy mom requested my Facebook friendship when she first joined back in January 2010. I did my best to ignore it. But when she asked me about it at dinner four months later, I was shamed into virtually freeing her from Facebook purgatory. Basically, I didn’t want her to see how much I curse. Also, I didn't want her to see any of the foolery that college me engaged in, like the senior bar crawl I planned with 200 people entitled, “We’re Sotally Tober.” It was awesome but she doesn’t need to know that. There is that picture of me asleep in the club but that's okay because it could mean I just went out tired. Yes. Let’s go with that.
Now my Dad keeps asking me why I won't add him as a friend.
Sirs, we’re done. Whatever reason we had for ending things I’m sure was a good one. Maybe I’m just a jerk and got bored with you one day. Or maybe the very thought of you makes me want to dropkick a teddy bear. Either way, our journey has ended. Don’t add me on Facebook, look at a pic of me with your replacement and then feel salty that I’ve all but forgotten you. And I surely don’t want to see you frolicking with someone else, even though she's clearly not as cute as I am.
Not that I'm a cartoon villain or anything but I've fallen out with a couple of people over time. What I'm saying is that there are people in the Internet ether who elicit hater thoughts and feelings in me. Like the girl who started rumors that I liked her dude in high school (I didn’t. He had bleached blonde highlights. No.) Or the guy who gave me an atomic wedgie in the 3rd grade. Either way, there are folks I don't like at all and I've come to terms with that. So if I can't stand you IRL, then let's not connect digitally.
There are some people on Facebook for the sole purpuse of documenting their lives’ true foolery. They're Forever 21 in maturity level and wardrobe choices. You know who they are. The friends of friends who are always on the way to or coming from “the club.” Yes, I may know you in real life, but we never actually hang because I've outgrown foolishness (sorta). So just stick to your bottle of Sköl vodka and don't request me.
Everyday there's at least one person on Facebook who posts something along the lines of, “Haters won’t bring me down.” This is one status too many. I didn't sign in for that, Mary J. Delete. The only reason some Drama Magnets are still on my friendslist? Because if I delete them their very next status message will probably be about me.
There are some who dedicate their Facebook lives to proving how much smarter they are than the rest of us. “Under the cloak of darkness I learned the power of the authenticity of cultivating relationships.” See what I mean? What are you, e-auditioning to be a guest on Dr. Phil? Really, folks like this don’t want to add me on Facebook because there are days when I’m feeling jerkier than others. I’m liable to come back with a, “And what does this have to do with the price of tea in China?” Then their feelings would be hurt and a Drama Magnet haters status would pop up and then and then...
No offense but if your only source of income is being a club promoter, then please don’t add me as a friend. Not that there’s anything wrong with this job but it means you’re desperate to get folks to your parties because, hello, that’s how you make money, which is awesome because it’s a recession and all that. But seriously, I’m pretty sure I’m not coming. So before you flood my Facebook inbox with invites I’ll ignore, just know that I’m not the one to add. I’m not coming to “grown and sexy” Saturdays.
“LEEEHHH GGOOO!!!” doesn’t make me hype about anything besides better schools.
Teenage Cousins And Other Youngins
If we're related and you're under 18, don't add me on Facebook. I don't want to read about your so-called life. Especially if it includes anything that isn't PG-13. I don’t want to know that your 14-year-old “man” gives the best kisses. I cannot be an accessory to underage foolishness because if parents ever ask me what these Facebook babies are up to, then I'll be forced to be a snitch. Plus, young folks tend to type L1k3 th15 and that pisses me off.
I don’t know your life. I wouldn’t be able to pick you out of a lineup. Even if you have a shirt that read, “It was me!” If we've never met and have never had a conversation, the last thing you should be doing on Facebook is adding me, a complete and total stranger, as a “friend.”
Currently, there are 95 people wasting away in my Facebook purgatory because they fall into one or more of these categories. I hope they don't take it personally, it’s just good e-business. Who's in your virtual time out corner?